post secret

I try to look at postsecret every week. Whenever I see a postsecret I can identify with, I save it into my pictures folder. I thought it would be an interesting post to post the pictures and explain why I love them so much.




If you notice, the object beneath the words is bloody gauze. This, as I understood it, was someone who is a cutter. I am a cutter. When I put the words to the picture, it totally resonated. Just because I fuck up and cut after months of not cutting, doesn't mean it was a waste. It doesn't mean I'm going back to my old ways. It doesn't mean that the relapse ruins everything I've worked for. It just means that I fucked up.

I am on anti-depressants. Ska has always been one of my favorite genres. Sometimes, ska is the only thing that can cheer me up. It's so fucking happy!

I have often thought about writing suicide notes to the most important people in my life. This gave me hope.

Significant others have often been the people to keep me from harming myself.

before I saved this, I hadn't lost my virginity. While I hadn't "fucked", I was still kinda promiscuous. It made me feel better about myself. If guys wanted to see me naked, maybe I wasn't worthless. But.... this person is correct, it doesn't work. I think... haha.

I still relapase into my eating disorder every once in a while. It really is like losing a best friend. someone that's always there for you and helps you through shit. But "ana" is not a friend. She is a version of satan itself... and i'm still learning that.

I've never thought about it before, but when something bad happens and people say "It was God's will" it pisses me off. I don't think it's God's will for anything bad to happen, BUT I believe that God can use certain situations to further his will.

Rant

Haven't written in a while. And this isn't going to have anything of substance. I'm just depressed and angry and I can't talk about it.... but I need it out of me.

My friend.... we are both depressed. We both want to die very often. We understand each other.
We also like each other. If I find out a guy likes me, more lkely than not, I will pull myself away; become distant. Which is what I've done.
Well, as a result, I've become a horrible friend. He's been calling me every day, sometimes more than once a day, and I've stopped answering. I don't lke talking on the phone. I really don't. I'm awkward and I never know what to say. Not to mention, we like each other, and for him to be calling me every day, needless to say I freaked out and that's one of the major reasons I stopped answering. However, I knew that one of the possibilities of him calling so much is because he's having a hard time with life right now.

I'm sorry.... but so am I. And one of my friends just texted me and said that my other friend has been worried about me. Then proceeded to tell me that he's been really depressed and he just needs a friend. And that he's always there for us when we're depressed...

OK OK! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP AS A FRIEND! BUT I'VE BEEN FUCKING DEPRESSED! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE.
but no... rub it in. he needed me. I let him down, right? I know. Believe me, I know.

I've been reading a good book

I've gone through a rough spiritual patch. I suddenly found that the God I was taught about in sunday school wasn't real at all. But that was the god I believed in and devoted my whole life to. So I was scared and depressed. I was terrified. I no longer believed in "god" but I had put my whole identity in that "god". So what was left?After weeks of crying myself to sleep and not even wanting to be alive, I talked with my sister, the only person who was able to empathize with what I was going through and help me make sense of God. I didn't want to stop believing in God. I still believed in God. I just had no idea who he was or what he was like.
And that is when I figured out that I didn't believe in the "god" I had always believed in. but I did believe in God. The true God of the Bible. I'm reluctant to say "Christian" God because I don't think God is a Christian. But the God of Christianity... he/she was real. He/She just wasn't who I was taught he/she was my whole life. And so I've been on journey to make sense of God (as best as that can actually happen). And now I have begun reading this book. It's called "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. I read the back and it sounded interesting, although the way Donald writes, it's hard to get exactly what the book is about. So I thought I'd give it a try. And it's exactly what I've needed.
Here are some exerpts:
This is part of the realization I had when I suddenly noticed that the "god" I was taught of wasn't real:
"If I werent a Christian, and I kept seeing Christian leaders on television more concerned with money, fame, and power than with grace, love, and social justice, I wouldn't want to believe in God at all. I really wouldn't. The whole thing would make me want to walk away from religion altogether because, like I was saying about Santa Claus, their god must be an idiot to see the world in such a one-sided way. The god who cares so much about getting rich must not have treasures stored up in heaven, and the god so concerned about getting even must not have very much patience, and the god who cares so much about the West must really hate the rest of the world, and that doesn't sound like a very good god to me. The televangelist can have him for all I care. you know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god, a god who exists simply to validate their identities. This god falls apart as soon as you touch him, as soon as you start asking very basic questions about the sanctity of all human life, the failure of combat mentality, and the lustful love of power."
And this excerpt is the realization I had when I suddenly noticed that God IS real:
"I began to slowly realize that the God of the Bible, not the God of formulas and bullet points that some have turned the Bible into, but the God of the actual Bible, the old one before we learned to read it like a self-help book, had a great deal to say to me. What I mean by this is the God of the Bible, and for that matter the Bible itself, started making sense of my deepest emotions, quirks, and sense of brokenness. Once I separated the little god from the big God, and the little-god imposters from the true and loving servants of God, I began to pay more attention. This God became very beautiful to me, in fact. The things He said, the people He chose to speak though, and even the way He worded His message became quite meaningful. The God of the Bible, in a very strange way, even explained why I would have wanted to renounce my faith.
"My God, you look so much different.
From mirrors you looked like a fool.
And your skin tastes much better with aging
not sweet like it was back in our Sunday School- Manchester Orchestra

love vs. friendship

I have a best friend. We are friends with benefits. We used to date but that didn't go so well since I lived in Indiana for school and he was still back in Oklahoma. but we stayed friends.... and we stayed attracted to each other.
I'm back in Oklahoma now, and we're still best friends. We're still friends with benefits. I still want to be with him. He still doesn't want to be with me. He's going into the marines in a couple months. He'll be gone for over 3 years. Legitimate reason to not want to date.
We want to have sex. But we both know it'll fuck up our friendship. And we're best friends. We dont' want to throw that away. But we've already made that emotional connection. At least I have. He's a boy. he doesn't care. But I care. I still want to be with him more than anything in the world. And he still doesn't want to be with me at all. And every single time we have that conversation, it breaks my heart all over again.
And so here we are. I'm in love with my best friend who doesn't want to be with me. And all I can think about is how I need my next pack of cigarettes or I'm going to add more scars to my fucking arm.
Never be friends with benefits with someone you really care about. It hasn't ruined our friendship, but it makes it a hell of alot harder than it should be. I refuse to lose him. He means too much to me for that to happen. So I'm willing to go through this shit to keep him as my friend. But seriously, avoid it if at all possible.

God is Love

Before I came to college, I heard of the belief that some people have in which every religion is the correct religion. When I first heard that, i thought it was insane. But I can easily understand why people would believe it, and I'm having a hard time not believing it myself. Most religions preach love and peace. Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judiasm, Hinduism, etc. When you really look at what each one believes, it revolves around loving your God and loving/taking care of those around you. Muslims even believe that they worship the same god of Christianity. Which, it's hard for me to not believe that, either. Then I think about the statement in 1 John which says, "God is love." It doesn't say, "God has love" or "God loves everyone" but it says, "God IS love". The way I understand that is that God is the epitome of Love. If God = love does love = God? Gandhi wasn't a Christian but he followed God and loved and lived how I believe God wants us to live. So if Gandhi lived out love in a radical way, did he not then, in a sense, live out God? The Christian God? Because, God is love. God isn't a certain kind of love. God IS love. But then I'm reminded of the words of Jesus: "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man comes to the Father except through me." So, in order to meet God, to commune with God, one must believe that Jesus is the Son of God, right? That's how I understand it. And this is where the conflict is born. If God is love and there are many non Christians who live amazingly Christian lives (much more so than most "christians"), are they still not in communion with God? Do you have to believe that Jesus is the Son of God in order to be "saved"? And I'm not talking about just "good" people. I know that there are alot of good people in the world that aren't in communion with God. I'm specifically talking about those of other religions who worship one god, love him, love others unconditionally, believe in forgiveness and reconciliation, and help the needy in the name of Love -- in the name of their god. Is that not my God, too? Is that not God? God is love. I do not understand.

Some good quotes

"The only people who don't know Christianity is about peace are Christians." - Gandhi

"You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." - C. S. Lewis

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." - Gandhi

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." - V for Vendetta

"God did not give me my life to throw away; and to do as you wish me would, I begin to think, be almost equivalent to committing suicide." - Jane Eyre

"Use God for a sense of peace and punk rock to know you're not alone." - My friend Peter

"That premium blend coffee is good. It's almost like premium blend pot." - My dad

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

"The church is a whore, but she is my mother." - Jesus for President

Hope

My life has been based on hope. When I was young, it was hope that God would take care of my family when we had no food. When i was in junior high it was hope that God would get me out of my depression so I wouldn't kill myself. When I was in highschool it was hope that one day I would be completely over my eating disorder and cutting. While I still have hope regarding most things, my hope has been completely lost when it comes to relationships - friendships or romantic. This past year has been a daily hell as I believed every morning when I woke up that it would be another day alone. My parents' marriage is ending. My boyfriends leave me after 2 months. Friends get tired of me or frustrated with me and leave. I've been filled with bitterness and anger towards ex boyfriends, depression towards my parents, and hopelessness. Marriages that are supposed to last, don't. Friends get scared and leave. I felt as if I was never good enough for anyone, and no matter how hard I tried, every relationship will fail, just as I have seen so many marriages that were supposed to be unifying end in brokenness.
Yesterday I went to the Senior art department theses readings. One girl has worked all year on what she has called "Seamless Marriage". It is a series of sculptures depicting relationships from the beginning, when both people are two complete seperate beings, and gradually to their unification, to where the seams cannot even be seen. At first I was angry. It was unrealistic. I felt as though she was looking at relationships through rose colored glasses because she is about to get married. She has high hopes for her marriage. However, I realized that when she was little, her parents got a divorce. She has seen first hand the broken unification of a marriage. And yet she still stands strong that if two people become like the sculptures, fitting themselves to each other and eventually unifying themselves to one another to where you can't tell where one ends and the other begins, the marriage stands. The people are grounded in each other. IT lasts. It reminds me of a MeWithoutYou song that says, "I'll ring Your doorbell until You let me in and I can no longer tell where You end and I begin."
I don't see many relationships that depict this hopeful and successful unity. However, God created us for community. "it is not good for man to be alone". In order for two people to be shaped to each other, alot of molding and scratching at the surface must be done. It's a long process, painful, tiring, and sometimes seems hopeless. But after sometimes many tries, eventually two people will become so unified that they are seamless. Their relationship is grounded in each other, and they are one.
There is hope.

My heart is heavy

Rant #1:
Life after death. If you're a christian, you believe in Heaven or Hell. If you're an atheist, you believe in total non-existence. I have found that that scares the shit out of people. It's a rather soothing thought to me, though. I remember a couple discussions with my best friend who believes when he dies, he will no longer exist. In my philosophy class, we discussed this concept and I found that the majority of the class (or at least the majority that spoke) couldn't really grasp it, or they didn't want to. Why is this so terrifying, though? What if I will stop existing when I die? I wont have anything to be afraid of. why be afraid of something that wont exist? You wont be there to experience it. You wont be. Therefore, you cannot fear. Is it the fear that you wont be remembered on earth? Is it the fear that you have this one, small chance, then once you're gone, you actually are gone, never to be reincarnated or to look down and see your loved ones? But this is comforting to me. I have this one life, this small vapor of a life, and if when I die, I no longer exist, then I don't really care. I'll do what I can in this life, live the best I can, enjoy the most I can, care for the people that I can, help those I can, and once it's over, it's over. I like that. I like that alot.

Rant #2:
Christianity. Christianity and Homosexuality. I fucking hate how we have fucked up christianity. I've been conversing with a girl from my hometown over her faith. She grew up apostolic, stopped going because she thought the regulations were ridiculous, and was then told she's going to hell. She has also discovered the hypocracy running rampant throughout her generation's Christians. She has been completely turned off to Christianity. That should not be the case! Where is Jesus in this? Where is his gospel of love and acceptance? It is lost and we have made it that way. Smoke, cuss, wear pants, have sex before marriage...you're going to hell. God is disgusted with you. You are no longer accepted in the church. All I have to say to that is, fuck that. I see so many books and shirts and whatever else talking about how Jesus was a radical and he hung out with the sinners. that's a good idea to believe in but when it actually comes to fully believing that and living it out the best you can, most Christians fail horribly. We are too afraid of the freedom that comes from living like Christ. We are too afraid to drink beer with prostitutes. Too afraid of what people will think of us. Too afraid taht God will look on that and be ashamed. I believe God looks on us who go to church and sunday school every sunday and wednesday, wears the best dresses we can afford, wears cheesey christian slogan t-shirts (probably made by slaves in a third world country), and who take random verses from the bible to condemn those who we are afraid of, and he is ashamed. We should be ashamed of ourselves! look what we have done to the love Jesus came and fucking died for! We have turned it into rules and regulations and corporate ideals and use it for our OWN glory! I say, fuck that Christianity. I want nothing to do with it. Give me the John the Baptist, camel wearing, desert living religion. Give me the Jesus Christ, law breaking, church shattering, partying with the worst sinners religion. And I mean that. I'm not saying this to get the attention of a youth group at a conference. I'm saying this as a person pissed with what those conferences did to me and are doing to the people I care about back at home. Jesus' Christianity was dangerous. The Christianity I grew up with is anything but. Something has to change.

As for the homosexuality thing...
Well, pretty much repeat everything I've said up there with a homosexual overtone.

addictions

These are things I am addicted to:
cutting
smoking
chocolate
spending money
penises
sleep
online games
caffeine - specifically energy drinks and coffee
music

I'm just so angry. At everything. I can't even begin to write about everything that's going on in my head. I'm just pissed.

Friendship

Friends leave. You will never be friends with someone for the rest of your life. That's just how it is. Cherish the friends you have, but let go of them when it's time. It sucks. You'll feel lonely and you will mourn their loss. But just as they move on, so must you. Friendships will not last.

New Plan

I'm getting fat.
I have to start following a new routine.
One meal a day.
Cigarettes in place of the others.
No more desserts.

Insanity

More and more lately I've been feeling like I'm actually insane. It wouldn't surprise me. My grandma is insane. she's been in a mental hospital. My dad has been in a mental hospital. Almost everyone in my family has some form of depression. And I feel like mine is really relaly bad. Like, worse than it should be. So bad that, sometimes I think I might end up in a hospital, and that scares me.

Depression symptoms: (the bolded are ones I experience)

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
fatigue and decreased energy
feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
irritability, restlessness
loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
overeating or appetite loss
persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Major Depression symptoms: (bolded, again)

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others.)
Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness or being slowed down)
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month) ... not anymore, but at one time this was a problem.

Stupid

Why am i always crazy about the guy who doesn't want me

It's time to move on

It's time to move on.
It's time to put Josh behind me and not look back.
It's time to accept who I am and stop apologizing for not being who I think I should be.
It's time to quit coping with life in all the wrong ways.
It's time to stop hurting myself any time I feel threatened or depressed.
It's time I start taking care of myself.
It's time I really try to figure out what I'm passionate about and seek after that.
It's time I come to terms with reality.
I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to them.
I cannot control what has happened in my life, but I can no longer dwell on the bad things. I must use them to shape me into a strong woman.
Whether I like it or not, I am an adult. Soon, I will be on my own. I will be making my own life, making my own plans, following my own dreams. I cannot let fear prevent me from reaching my potential.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marriane Williamson

The Cycle

I cut myself because guys don't want to be with me.
Guys don't want to be with me because I cut myself.
Fuck.

I've been contemplative lately

I haven't updated in a while. My life has been very chaotic, but only emotionally. My parents are getting a divorce, I've started cutting again, and I am a smoker now. I've been searching for God for a year and only now have I found him. Only now have I truly found God, and not the sunday school god I've been told to believe my whole life. He is a lie. I have found God. The God who just is. People don't like to believe in that God because he is a mystery. I like him more than any god I have ever known.
I am happy now. For the first time in a year, I am happy. And I am listening to the Pogues.

Thought #1: People go through phases. Some good, some bad. If someone is going through a bad phase, it doen't mean they've changed or they aren't who you thought they were. Just remember the good parts of them while they're being weird. It's still inside of them. They just need time to figure things out.
Thought #2: While it might be safer to look down as you walk, don't. There are things all around you that you might never be able to see again. There's beauty in everything.
Thought #3: However, you can miss little things if you don't look down sometimes.
Thought #4: Be straight forward and blunt. Beating around the bush just makes things worse. If you have a problem with someone, confront it.
Thought #5: You cannot always depend on other people to give you worth. You must find worth in yourself. People will fail you constantly. Relationships will end. When everything else is gone, you have to be confident in yourself.
Thought #6: It's good to get out of your comfort zone at least once a day. You can accomplish more than you ever thought you could. You are capable of so much more than you think you are.
Thought #7: Nothing is ideal; ever. You have to deal with what is and get over the fact that it's not what you think it should be.
Thought #8A clear, starry night does wonders.
Thought #9: Don't give up on your passions. They might not be logical, but they're the only thing that really makes life worth living. And dont let anyone make you feel inferior for doing so.
Thought #10: We have made a mess of life. Part of me wishes God would pull another Noah and the ark just so we can start from scratch.

Thought #1: skinhead does not equal racist, nazi, or white supremist
Thought #2: If a girl says another girl is hott or pretty, it doesn't mean she's a lesbian. If anything, it probably means she's comparing herself to said girl and wishes she looked like her.
Thought #3: I'm not a lesbian or bi
Thought #4: "If you're gay, that's okay"
Thought #5: People are fragile. Even the ones who come across as being tough and immune to the crap of life. They are fragile.
Thought #6: I need a nap.
Thought #7: I'm tired of not living to my potential. I think i could be incredibally intelligent if only I would pursue more knowledge and not that which will only get me by.
Thought #8: I still like him and it kills me every day knowing he never wants to be with me again. i try not to dwell on it, but i'm not succeeding very well. It's almost been a year.
Thought #9: I really wish I could write and paint better. I feel like I come across as being very artsy but honestly, I'm not. I just look at things in a weird way. i don't know how to convey that into art, though.
Thought #10: College is a scary place full of self-discovery and change. You will question everything you have ever believed and be expected to be okay with it. But sometimes, you just have to cry.

no title

The more I learn, the more ignorant I become.

Update:
My parents are splitting up as of tomorrow.
I've decided i shouldn't be in a relationship until I've been seeing a counselor for a while. There are alot of things that I need to deal with before I get another person involved in my life.
I'm still not over josh.
I'm still not over steven.
I've been doing alot of stupid crap trying to ignore the shit that's going on. It's really not smart considering I have a very addictive personality.
I cut my hair really short again. A pixie cut with bangs.
I'm moving in with my sister over the summer. I'm really excited about that.
Something's gotta give.