On Friendship

"Our love was goodand our love was right.And I don't regret it,no not a single night.So goodbye, my love.Goodbye, my love.Goodbye." - Bradley HathawayYes, Steven and I broke up. Yes, I'm really sad about it. Yes, one of my best friends in the whole world came from this relationship. This is the best breakup I have ever been a part of. Richard pretty much hates(d) me and Josh and I only talk when necessary. When Steven said he wanted to stay friends, I loved the idea, but from past experiences, I didn't believe anything was going to happen.He is my best friend now.I don't regret dating him at all. I'm so glad we dated, actually. If we hadn't dated, I wouldn't have gotten so close to him and therefore, I would have missed out on one of my best friendships that I have currently. I still like him. He still likes me. But it wouldn't work and there's no point in continuing a relationship that's going to end soon. So we're taking another path. I gave this advice to another one of my friends. Being a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't a better role or a more important title than being a best friend. If someone breaks up with you because they just want to be friends or they don't want to ruin your friendship (and they actually mean this. They aren't just saying it to soften the blow) then it's not that they are going back a step in your relationship. Yuo can still both go forward, but it's just a different path. Being a girlfriend is not more important than being a best friend. They both carry the same amount of weight, it's just different reasons, different feelings. Think of it as a fork in the road. You guys meet on this road, you like each other, and you're walking together, getting to know each other, and something starts. You're really enjoying it. There's nothing TOO serious yet. Then you reach the fork. One road is friendship, one road is romance. If you go down the romantic road and you reach the destination, it wil lprobably end in marriage. (well, not end, per se. But one of the major landmarks is marriage). However, if it doesn't work, you've already made your way down this path. If you're to stay friends after the break up, you have to find your way back to the friendship path, and that means going through alot of the memories y ou left on the romance road. It's hard. It's possible, but it's hard, and not many people make it. However, if you chose the friendship path, you're still moving forward. You're still on the road together; it's just made up of different things, different landmarks, different memories. You're going forward at the same pace. It's the same distance as the romantic road, and you're still growing together. It's just a different path with a different destination.Steven and I chose the friendship path, and I'm really excited to see where it leads us. "Our love was goodand our love was right.And I don't regret it,no, not a single night."

I don't like fruit

We all know that one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control.
I seem to lack in that department.
Like, seriously. That's why I still cut myself after 5 years. That's why I've gone further than I wanted to with all of my boyfriends. That's why I have to have friends forcefully keep me from buying anything at the store because if I have money, I HAVE to buy something.
So I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. I'm lacking the self-control to not beg to be taken back.
I do still want to be with him. I wanted to be with him even when I broke up with him. I just felt like this was the best choice. But I was laying on my futon and began thinking about how we talked about last week how we're both so excited to see each other over break. And I keep thinking about the days we spent together in Texas when we finally told each other how we felt. I still want to be with him. He can break up with me again in August when he leaves for California, but for now, I just want to be with him, enjoy him, look forward to seeing him.
So I keep debating on whether or not to actually say, "I still want to be with you if you'll take me back. I made a mistake." or if I should just keep it going how it's going and stay friends.
He really is an awesome friend.
I want to be with him again.

***EDIT***
On a side note...
Oklahoma is really popular. Or, at least it's known for alot of things. I didn't know other states talked about us this much. Currently in my sociology class, we discussed the OKC bomber, Timothy McVey (I don't know how to spell his name so I used phonics :) ) and in my religion class, we're talking about ORU in Tulsa.
As crappy as Oklahoma is, I have a strange sense of pride for the dysfunctionality that infests my state.

Here We Go Again

I have just broken up with my boyfriend.
It's not like we were planning on getting married. We've just been dating for 3 months (it would have been 3 months Nov. 1st). But it's still very difficult. I'm not going to go into a rant about our relationship or how I'm heartbroken. I did enough of that with my last boyfriend. I think... even though I've been crying and I am indeed heartbroken, everything is okay. I don't feel like my life is over. I don't feel like I'm going to puke. I just feel like I dated a guy on which I've had a crush on since my freshman year of highschool, we really like each other, but we just don't match. We tried it... and it didn't work. And i'm okay with that for some reason. he's a cool guy. I'm really glad we dated and I really want to stay friends. I hope he'll still come over to my house when I'm home over break and watch movies and stuff.
This is the weirdest break up ever.
I just hope he feels the same way.

What has become of me?

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I stand for. I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's sacred, what's profane, what's up and what's down. I'm just living every day and praying that I'm doing SOMETHING right.
I am Shelli. I have everything together. I have never questioned my faith for longer than one day. I have the answers to everything biblical and I would never sacrifice my morals for anything earthly.
What are my morals.
What is right and what is wrong and how do I know the difference?
I am Shelli. I am a Bible and Religion major. I read my bible daily, pray 5 times a day, and I always remember every prayer request I say I will pray for. I have overcome every addiction I have come across and I have no interest in anything that will cause me to stray from my walk with God.
Is it possible that God is walking but I'm sitting under a tree? I can hear him now... "Shelli. What are you doing? We're supposed to go for a walk." and I reply "but I know what's going on when I sit under this tree. Go on. I'm sure you'll have fun without me."
And I am listening to Regina Spektor sing over and over again, "Marianne's a bitch."
Who is Marianne and what did she do to deserve this title?
I might know if I listened to the whole song.
Bradley Hathaway has put it the best:
"What's happening here?I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost deadShow me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the fatherBut where did he go? His presence seems farther and farther away each day but I'm trying so hard to steer his wayYet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay"
I am Shelli. I know exactly what's going on and I'm not scared at all.

Shelli: the future mother

One of these days i will be a mother.
Whoah.
For some reason, I've been thinking about it more and more lately. I think about the kind of mother I want to be, what my children will be like, how I will support them and discipline them. I can only hope and pray that I'm a decent mother. That my children wont grow up resenting me or saying, "if only my mom hadn't/had done this..."
One thing I know for sure is that I want my children to have the opportunity to seek after knowledge. I want to have a room full of books which they could read at their leisure. Anything from Plato to C.S. Lewis to even some crappy fiction books if they wish. (Which, I hope they wont wish, but it's their choice, I suppose). I want them to use words that make their classmates retreat in a corner. Who needs violence when you have a vocabulary larger than a doctoral student?
I want them to have the options of the arts, as well. The arts as in studio art, music, dancing, whatever tickles their fancy. If they want to spend all day indoors with nothing but paper and crayons, who am I to stop them? Actually, that might make me the happiest mother alive. I want them to be subjected to all kinds of music. Not just MY kind of music. I want them to hear all forms. I want them to realize that music can come in all different sorts of ways. I want them to listen to Miles Davis, Chopin, the Who, the Beatles, Hootie and the Blowfish, and even the music I grew up listening to like the supertones, Flatfoot 56, Sleeping Giant. I want them to learn to love everything from classical to classic rock to post-hardcore. I want them to have the opportunity to play any instrument they could dream of. The piano, cello, trumpet, drums, electic guitar, stand up bass, anything and everything. And if they want to be in a punk rock band and they choose my garage to practice in, I'll supply the midnight snacks.
I think about these things and I can't help but become extremely excited. However, I must admit, i am reluctant to say that I would be smiling if my daughter wanted to become a cheerleader or if my son wanted to play football (unless it's european football ;) ). What if they wanted to enter the world in which I had no part of and never wanted a part of? Of course I would let them and I would support them. I would go to games and competitions and I would be the proudest mother there. I want to be the kind of mother that is exceedingly happy for their child no matter what happens. If their child is gay, I will welcome their partner with open arms. If my child is president of the science club, I will not help them with any of their homework (for fear of screwing up whatever it is that they were working on) but I will support their endeavors and brag about them to all my friends. If my child is a lazy bum that wont do any of their work and doesn't graduate on time, I'll do anything in my power to encourage them and let them know that it doesn't matter what they do, I will love them no less.
Most of all, i want my children to have a relationship with God. It's difficult to know how to raise a godly child. I grew up in a christian home, went to christian elementary school, grew up in the church. From the time I was a small 5 year old, believed in God. Like, honestly believed in God. I had such a heart for His word and I would preach to my stuffed animals. However, so many of my friends that I went to elementary school with grew up and completely turned away from God. They got pregnant, got into drugs, dropped out of school altogether. So how do I know when I'm choking my children with religion or if I'm being too lenient? I don't know if I'll ever know. I don't think there's an answer to that. I think it really depends on the child. If they're the type that needs to figure things out on their own, then I will give them room to do that. If they're the type that is hungry for knowledge and respects their old lady's opinion, i will share my testimony, share my heart for God. Either way, I will pray that God will use it to His glory and a seed will be planted and grow in His timing.