How dare I call myself a Christian?
I am a hypocrite.
I'm not saying this to get the response, "that's why God gives us grace!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself." I am a huge, fucking hypocrite.
If the kids in my youth group back in Oklahoma could see how I'm living, to hear my thoughts, could be with me when I'm alone, there is no doubt they would question my ever being a Christian.
I'm so pissed and fed up with all the proclaimed "Christians" that do this or say that or whatever... and here I am. I am so far down the wrong path and I haven't even cared.
The stuff of the world is fun. Yeah. I said it. I want to keep doing the things that I'm doing because they're fun! It's easier to do *thing* than it is to pick up a Bible and engage in conversation with God. It really is easier and it has a direct result. You feel good in the moment. And lately, that's all I've been focussing on.
What the fuck?! I am ashamed of what I have become.
And even as I write this, I wonder if I'm really going to change.
And I can't help but wonder what kind of example I've been to my Atheist ex-boyfriend/current friend. I have not been a voice of God. I have no been living the kind of life a Christian should live. How has that affected him? Why the FUCK should he turn towards God when he sees that I'm having just as much fun as he is and he isn't tied to ANY sacred being?!
What have I done?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I'm Ashamed
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1 comments:
been there too, many times, what can i say, what can we say.. we failed.. horribly, but you know what, after everything, i have still felt forgiven and that is my only hope, that God will not leave me, even when i fail and fall, that He will hear my prayer if i will put all my trust in Him, as i always will cos i dont know where else to put it.
i would also like to say nothing comes close to the feeling after "talking with God" its the best :-)
i wish some day we could be better voices for the truth and not like the world.
hold on sister, much love.
James 1 [23] For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:
[24] For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.
James 4 [7] Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
1 Corinthians 15 [33] Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.
[34] Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame.
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