Awkward Turtle

I believe I am unvoluntarily awkward.
You know those people you meet and there's just something about them that's awkward? Like, you aren't sure what to say or how to respond or even how to move. I feel like sometimes, I'm that person. I definately don't want to be, though. Those people are... well... awkward.
I might or might not be awkward. I'm not sure. I am definately unexplainably shy, which is a pain. Alot of people think I'm stuck up or "holier-than-thou" because I wont talk to them or smile at them...
It's just because I don't think I'm good enough.
I wish people didn't assume the worst. It's usually not true.

With all of that said, I come to the point of this entry...
"insecurity isn't attractive" says my ex-boyfriend. Well, surprise, I'm insecure. Painfully so, actually. Most of the time I try to hide it, but sometimes it leaks out. I grew up with two parents who are even more insecure than I am. Insecurity is a way of life in the Doyle household. I'm not saying this for an excuse. I simply believe that the environment in which you grew up has a great impact on who you become. I grew up around adults who hated themselves and constantly second-guessed everything they did. Therefore, that is the normal way of life for me. But I face this predicament... if I am insecure, and insecurity is unattractive, then my reasoning states that I am unattractive. Now I'm not talking about physical beauty. (which, obviously, since I'm so insecure, I believe I lack), but I am talking about the kind of beauty that attracts a person when they've known you for a while and all of the sudden they say, "Wow."
But I'm stuck...
I want to be secure in who I am, confidant, and able to speak my mind when appropriate (and sometimes when not) BUT... I do not want to be one of those people who are SO confidant that everyone hates and wishes would shut up i.e. cocky.
Bottom line is... I want to be attractive. Every time I enter into a relationship with a guy, I find my self slowly molding to the guy's self. I lose who I really am. I forget what I believe. I can't find the strength to stand up for myself. I lose my attractiveness, and they notice.

So, instead of making a list of all of the characteristics I prefer in a guy, I am going to make a list of all of the characteristics/attributes which I believe I should possess before entering into another relationship:
- security in myself/confidance
-a strong and unbreakable relationship with God
- goals - instead of being, "I'll go wherever you're going" it'll be, "I'm going where God is sending me and if that's where he's sending you also, then awesome. But if not, then goodbye."
- happiness/peace with life
-self control

Those aren't many, but they are things that I am seriously lacking and without those, any relationship I may have will fall.
And so begins my journey to beauty.

*** side note***
A macchiato is not the drink you get from Starbucks. They have manipulated it until it became something more people will buy. Now, everyone thinks that's a macchiato and they are dissapointed when they receive something different from a coffee shop that actually knows what they're doing. A macchiato literally means, "marked with milk." It is two shots of espresso and just a LITTLE bit of steamed milk. It is a very small but very strong drink. It is absolutely nothing like the macchiato from Starbucks.Of course, we make "startbuck" macchiatos in the coffee shop at my college because that's what people know. I feel shame every time I call it out and hand something to people that I know is a lie.