Like a bowling ball smashed in your head

I don't want to be with him. I am not attracted to him. I do not think that he is attractive. there are many things about him that I do not like. I just want to be friends with him. We dated, he broke my heart, I moved on.
So why is it that when I'm around him, all I can think about are things I shouldn't? Every time he makes a joke and gets that look on his face like he did when we dated, I can't help but swoon a little. I have to look away for fear that I'm blushing. I look at his hands and remember certain... things.... that involved his hands. I don't want to remember these things. He is my friend now. Nothing more. He said I'm not right for him and he's probably not right for me. I don't want to be with him.
But I can't help but think about when we were together or what it would be lke if we were together right now.
"loves come and go and this i know i'm not who you recall anymore
but i must confess you're so much more then i remember
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together" - Anberlin
I don't like him. i really think I just want to be with someone. I'm afraid of being alone. I really shouldn't be with anyone right now. But I see him, I see his face, I hear his jokes, I watch his hands, and I want, just for one moment, for things to be the way they used to be.

Don't worry; you can delete this later

We are living in a world full of digitalized memories and emotions.
If you are dating someone and you have a bunch of pictures on your camera or computer, once you break up and you delete them in a fit of rage, you can NEVER get those pictures back again.
Is anyone else discouraged by this fact?
Even with all of these blogs, people write down their thoughts, their feelings, their life experiences, and in a few years, they will probably forget about that blog. They will move on. They will forget their password. The site will shut down. So many great literary books came from people simply journaling and forming their thoughts into a book. This is a generation of temporary memories.
We used to know that after someone dies, we wil have pictures and letters left to remember them by.
Who will remember this generation once we have deleted who we once were?

friends forever

Everything is fucked up. I don't know what to do anymore.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

Awkward Turtle

I believe I am unvoluntarily awkward.
You know those people you meet and there's just something about them that's awkward? Like, you aren't sure what to say or how to respond or even how to move. I feel like sometimes, I'm that person. I definately don't want to be, though. Those people are... well... awkward.
I might or might not be awkward. I'm not sure. I am definately unexplainably shy, which is a pain. Alot of people think I'm stuck up or "holier-than-thou" because I wont talk to them or smile at them...
It's just because I don't think I'm good enough.
I wish people didn't assume the worst. It's usually not true.

With all of that said, I come to the point of this entry...
"insecurity isn't attractive" says my ex-boyfriend. Well, surprise, I'm insecure. Painfully so, actually. Most of the time I try to hide it, but sometimes it leaks out. I grew up with two parents who are even more insecure than I am. Insecurity is a way of life in the Doyle household. I'm not saying this for an excuse. I simply believe that the environment in which you grew up has a great impact on who you become. I grew up around adults who hated themselves and constantly second-guessed everything they did. Therefore, that is the normal way of life for me. But I face this predicament... if I am insecure, and insecurity is unattractive, then my reasoning states that I am unattractive. Now I'm not talking about physical beauty. (which, obviously, since I'm so insecure, I believe I lack), but I am talking about the kind of beauty that attracts a person when they've known you for a while and all of the sudden they say, "Wow."
But I'm stuck...
I want to be secure in who I am, confidant, and able to speak my mind when appropriate (and sometimes when not) BUT... I do not want to be one of those people who are SO confidant that everyone hates and wishes would shut up i.e. cocky.
Bottom line is... I want to be attractive. Every time I enter into a relationship with a guy, I find my self slowly molding to the guy's self. I lose who I really am. I forget what I believe. I can't find the strength to stand up for myself. I lose my attractiveness, and they notice.

So, instead of making a list of all of the characteristics I prefer in a guy, I am going to make a list of all of the characteristics/attributes which I believe I should possess before entering into another relationship:
- security in myself/confidance
-a strong and unbreakable relationship with God
- goals - instead of being, "I'll go wherever you're going" it'll be, "I'm going where God is sending me and if that's where he's sending you also, then awesome. But if not, then goodbye."
- happiness/peace with life
-self control

Those aren't many, but they are things that I am seriously lacking and without those, any relationship I may have will fall.
And so begins my journey to beauty.

*** side note***
A macchiato is not the drink you get from Starbucks. They have manipulated it until it became something more people will buy. Now, everyone thinks that's a macchiato and they are dissapointed when they receive something different from a coffee shop that actually knows what they're doing. A macchiato literally means, "marked with milk." It is two shots of espresso and just a LITTLE bit of steamed milk. It is a very small but very strong drink. It is absolutely nothing like the macchiato from Starbucks.Of course, we make "startbuck" macchiatos in the coffee shop at my college because that's what people know. I feel shame every time I call it out and hand something to people that I know is a lie.

Of Whom I Am the Worst

I am filled with bitterness and anger. It has controlled my life for months now. I am angry towards Josh, my ex. He broke up with me right before summer break last year. He said we could be friends again this year, so I came to school expecting that would happen. I found out that he was just saying that because it's the proper ex-boyfriend thing to do. He would only talk with me or acknowledge me when he was around people that he knew we had mutually in common. Otherwise, he would pretend I wasn't there. As a result, I treat him as if he doesn't exist. I am so bitter. I want to hurt him. I really do. I want to make him feel as shitty as he has made me feel. I have let him have way too much power over me. Now every time i see him, even just in passing, my stomach ties in knots and I feel anger swell up inside me. Every time. And I'm tired of it. I should be able to forgive him. He hurt me and he has continued to hurt me, but me acting the way I am does nothing but make it worse. I'm just hurting myself even more by doing this.
I just recently dated an atheist. It was great, except for the fact that he made me doubt and second-guess God's existence. Not that that's bad. In order for a person's faith to grow and strengthen, they much doubt. Asking questions and feeling hopeless is necessary to truly finding God. The only problem is... I can't find him.
I used to be so strong; so on fire! I was a leader in my youth group. Everyone in my school knew I was a Christian. I had problems, sure. I started cutting myself and developed an eating disorder. but as for blatantly acting out, doing drugs, going to parties and whatever else highschool kids did, I didn't. When my friends had a problem, they came to me. I was so in tune with God. He was everything to me.
And now?
This intense disbelief in my Creator and the bitterness and anger that has been ruling my life has brought me to this point. I have been dwelling in anger, sin, and hate. I feel so utterly alone and lost; hopeless. I think about the tattoo on my shoulder of "hope" and I wonder what it was like to at least have HOPE that everything will be alright; that God is still with me.
I know God is real. He has to be or nothing makes sense. But I don't know how to find him again. When this all started, I fervently prayed that God would show himself to me. Let me know that he was there, that he was real. Somehow make me know! I prayed that over and over again, tears streaming down my face.
Nothing ever happened....
I haven't prayed since. I guess I have, every once in a while. "I haven't talked to you in a long time but if you're there, I'd still appreciate it if you'd show me." Why wont God, my Creator, my Healer, my Lover.... why wont he reveal himself? I've been praying that prayer for years. So where is he?
I am so lost. I am so full of anger and despair.
Where is God?

I'm Ashamed

How dare I call myself a Christian?
I am a hypocrite.
I'm not saying this to get the response, "that's why God gives us grace!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself." I am a huge, fucking hypocrite.
If the kids in my youth group back in Oklahoma could see how I'm living, to hear my thoughts, could be with me when I'm alone, there is no doubt they would question my ever being a Christian.
I'm so pissed and fed up with all the proclaimed "Christians" that do this or say that or whatever... and here I am. I am so far down the wrong path and I haven't even cared.
The stuff of the world is fun. Yeah. I said it. I want to keep doing the things that I'm doing because they're fun! It's easier to do *thing* than it is to pick up a Bible and engage in conversation with God. It really is easier and it has a direct result. You feel good in the moment. And lately, that's all I've been focussing on.
What the fuck?! I am ashamed of what I have become.
And even as I write this, I wonder if I'm really going to change.
And I can't help but wonder what kind of example I've been to my Atheist ex-boyfriend/current friend. I have not been a voice of God. I have no been living the kind of life a Christian should live. How has that affected him? Why the FUCK should he turn towards God when he sees that I'm having just as much fun as he is and he isn't tied to ANY sacred being?!
What have I done?

Math Notes

We are making our children ADD.

My generation grew up on flashing lights and fast talking characters on a colorful box in our living rooms, kitchens, bathrooms and bedrooms. Finished with homework? Watch your favorite TV show. Washed the dishes? Play a video game. Finished playing outside? Watch a movie! If a show is too boring, grab the remote and change the channel. Are there two shows on that you would like to watch at the same time? Change the channel during commercials and watch them both!

What about computers? Internet programs have evolved so that a person can have as many tabs/pages open at the same time as they want. Teenagers can have multiple conversations on their 3 different instant messengers while playing solitaire, checking their e-mail, and catching up with friends on myspace and facebook.

There are so many things to do, so many things to look at, and our technology has become so advanced that it is now possible to do everthing one needs or desires to do at the same time. It's inevitable that my generation and those after us is becoming more and more ADD. If the TV isn't on, it's too quiet. We can't just sit on a couch or on our porch for more than 30 minutes without becoming bored. This epidemic, this need/desire to always be doing something, always be entertained, has spread to every aspect of our lives. We can't stay focussed in a one hour class because we start thinking about anything and everything other than the class we are in. We have problems going to sleep because our brains have learned to never stop, never rest. In a sense, our minds have become Americanized: always on the go; always consuming (although, not consuming the healthy, worth-while things such as knowledge but rather mindless rubbish which keep us entertained).

Isn't it ironic that I wrote this during my math class?

New Hair

Here is the bleach before the actual dying of the hair

Here is the hair dyed!

Yay! Happy hair-dyed-me!!!