Me? Anorexic? Why thank you!

I'm a failure. Some might view me as a success, but they are viewing me through rose-colored glasses, where it doesn't matter how fat I am, as long as I'm healthy, I'm successful. I, on the other hand, am looking at myself through reality and I see failure. Someone who once was on the road to beauty and perfection, and gave it up for fear. Fear of death or long-term illness. And what have I gained from "recovering"? Weight. Tell me, who would you rather see:

95 pound me or 2,000 pound me?

I personally would like to see me skinny again, but apparently not bad enough to ignore all the food around me. I'm so frustrated! I poop and menstruate which means I'm eating. Eating means I'm fat. Being fat means I'm a failure. I'm tired of being a failure! I want to lose and lose and lose but I can't fucking stick to it! I was able to stick to it last year and I was almost 90 pounds! Why couldn't I stick it out longer?! Why couldn't I keep going until I was 80 opunds?! I'm 5'2". It's okay if I'm 80 pounds. It's okay! But I'm an idiot and I can't stop eating now. I've tried so many times and I can only go for a few days without being dragged back into the habit of eating what I'm supposed to. There's food EVERYWHERE! I want it to just go away. I want it all to just go away. I'm tired of social events being centered around food. I'm tired of being expected to go eat dinner with people. I'm tired of, when someone says, "Let's go hang out" it's always at a food place. Why can't we hang out and have fun with food NOT being involved?! Why can't I stick to this fucking diet and actually look how I want to look for once?! I'm tired of failing. And even as I write this post, I know I wont do anything about it, because people expect me to eat, and I want to please them. I'm just so fed up with this all right now. I'm sorry I'm not skinny any more. I'm so sorry.