Some good quotes

"The only people who don't know Christianity is about peace are Christians." - Gandhi

"You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." - C. S. Lewis

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." - Gandhi

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." - V for Vendetta

"God did not give me my life to throw away; and to do as you wish me would, I begin to think, be almost equivalent to committing suicide." - Jane Eyre

"Use God for a sense of peace and punk rock to know you're not alone." - My friend Peter

"That premium blend coffee is good. It's almost like premium blend pot." - My dad

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

"The church is a whore, but she is my mother." - Jesus for President

Hope

My life has been based on hope. When I was young, it was hope that God would take care of my family when we had no food. When i was in junior high it was hope that God would get me out of my depression so I wouldn't kill myself. When I was in highschool it was hope that one day I would be completely over my eating disorder and cutting. While I still have hope regarding most things, my hope has been completely lost when it comes to relationships - friendships or romantic. This past year has been a daily hell as I believed every morning when I woke up that it would be another day alone. My parents' marriage is ending. My boyfriends leave me after 2 months. Friends get tired of me or frustrated with me and leave. I've been filled with bitterness and anger towards ex boyfriends, depression towards my parents, and hopelessness. Marriages that are supposed to last, don't. Friends get scared and leave. I felt as if I was never good enough for anyone, and no matter how hard I tried, every relationship will fail, just as I have seen so many marriages that were supposed to be unifying end in brokenness.
Yesterday I went to the Senior art department theses readings. One girl has worked all year on what she has called "Seamless Marriage". It is a series of sculptures depicting relationships from the beginning, when both people are two complete seperate beings, and gradually to their unification, to where the seams cannot even be seen. At first I was angry. It was unrealistic. I felt as though she was looking at relationships through rose colored glasses because she is about to get married. She has high hopes for her marriage. However, I realized that when she was little, her parents got a divorce. She has seen first hand the broken unification of a marriage. And yet she still stands strong that if two people become like the sculptures, fitting themselves to each other and eventually unifying themselves to one another to where you can't tell where one ends and the other begins, the marriage stands. The people are grounded in each other. IT lasts. It reminds me of a MeWithoutYou song that says, "I'll ring Your doorbell until You let me in and I can no longer tell where You end and I begin."
I don't see many relationships that depict this hopeful and successful unity. However, God created us for community. "it is not good for man to be alone". In order for two people to be shaped to each other, alot of molding and scratching at the surface must be done. It's a long process, painful, tiring, and sometimes seems hopeless. But after sometimes many tries, eventually two people will become so unified that they are seamless. Their relationship is grounded in each other, and they are one.
There is hope.

My heart is heavy

Rant #1:
Life after death. If you're a christian, you believe in Heaven or Hell. If you're an atheist, you believe in total non-existence. I have found that that scares the shit out of people. It's a rather soothing thought to me, though. I remember a couple discussions with my best friend who believes when he dies, he will no longer exist. In my philosophy class, we discussed this concept and I found that the majority of the class (or at least the majority that spoke) couldn't really grasp it, or they didn't want to. Why is this so terrifying, though? What if I will stop existing when I die? I wont have anything to be afraid of. why be afraid of something that wont exist? You wont be there to experience it. You wont be. Therefore, you cannot fear. Is it the fear that you wont be remembered on earth? Is it the fear that you have this one, small chance, then once you're gone, you actually are gone, never to be reincarnated or to look down and see your loved ones? But this is comforting to me. I have this one life, this small vapor of a life, and if when I die, I no longer exist, then I don't really care. I'll do what I can in this life, live the best I can, enjoy the most I can, care for the people that I can, help those I can, and once it's over, it's over. I like that. I like that alot.

Rant #2:
Christianity. Christianity and Homosexuality. I fucking hate how we have fucked up christianity. I've been conversing with a girl from my hometown over her faith. She grew up apostolic, stopped going because she thought the regulations were ridiculous, and was then told she's going to hell. She has also discovered the hypocracy running rampant throughout her generation's Christians. She has been completely turned off to Christianity. That should not be the case! Where is Jesus in this? Where is his gospel of love and acceptance? It is lost and we have made it that way. Smoke, cuss, wear pants, have sex before marriage...you're going to hell. God is disgusted with you. You are no longer accepted in the church. All I have to say to that is, fuck that. I see so many books and shirts and whatever else talking about how Jesus was a radical and he hung out with the sinners. that's a good idea to believe in but when it actually comes to fully believing that and living it out the best you can, most Christians fail horribly. We are too afraid of the freedom that comes from living like Christ. We are too afraid to drink beer with prostitutes. Too afraid of what people will think of us. Too afraid taht God will look on that and be ashamed. I believe God looks on us who go to church and sunday school every sunday and wednesday, wears the best dresses we can afford, wears cheesey christian slogan t-shirts (probably made by slaves in a third world country), and who take random verses from the bible to condemn those who we are afraid of, and he is ashamed. We should be ashamed of ourselves! look what we have done to the love Jesus came and fucking died for! We have turned it into rules and regulations and corporate ideals and use it for our OWN glory! I say, fuck that Christianity. I want nothing to do with it. Give me the John the Baptist, camel wearing, desert living religion. Give me the Jesus Christ, law breaking, church shattering, partying with the worst sinners religion. And I mean that. I'm not saying this to get the attention of a youth group at a conference. I'm saying this as a person pissed with what those conferences did to me and are doing to the people I care about back at home. Jesus' Christianity was dangerous. The Christianity I grew up with is anything but. Something has to change.

As for the homosexuality thing...
Well, pretty much repeat everything I've said up there with a homosexual overtone.