Friendship

Friends leave. You will never be friends with someone for the rest of your life. That's just how it is. Cherish the friends you have, but let go of them when it's time. It sucks. You'll feel lonely and you will mourn their loss. But just as they move on, so must you. Friendships will not last.

New Plan

I'm getting fat.
I have to start following a new routine.
One meal a day.
Cigarettes in place of the others.
No more desserts.

Insanity

More and more lately I've been feeling like I'm actually insane. It wouldn't surprise me. My grandma is insane. she's been in a mental hospital. My dad has been in a mental hospital. Almost everyone in my family has some form of depression. And I feel like mine is really relaly bad. Like, worse than it should be. So bad that, sometimes I think I might end up in a hospital, and that scares me.

Depression symptoms: (the bolded are ones I experience)

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
fatigue and decreased energy
feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
irritability, restlessness
loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
overeating or appetite loss
persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Major Depression symptoms: (bolded, again)

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others.)
Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness or being slowed down)
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month) ... not anymore, but at one time this was a problem.

Stupid

Why am i always crazy about the guy who doesn't want me

It's time to move on

It's time to move on.
It's time to put Josh behind me and not look back.
It's time to accept who I am and stop apologizing for not being who I think I should be.
It's time to quit coping with life in all the wrong ways.
It's time to stop hurting myself any time I feel threatened or depressed.
It's time I start taking care of myself.
It's time I really try to figure out what I'm passionate about and seek after that.
It's time I come to terms with reality.
I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to them.
I cannot control what has happened in my life, but I can no longer dwell on the bad things. I must use them to shape me into a strong woman.
Whether I like it or not, I am an adult. Soon, I will be on my own. I will be making my own life, making my own plans, following my own dreams. I cannot let fear prevent me from reaching my potential.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marriane Williamson

The Cycle

I cut myself because guys don't want to be with me.
Guys don't want to be with me because I cut myself.
Fuck.

I've been contemplative lately

I haven't updated in a while. My life has been very chaotic, but only emotionally. My parents are getting a divorce, I've started cutting again, and I am a smoker now. I've been searching for God for a year and only now have I found him. Only now have I truly found God, and not the sunday school god I've been told to believe my whole life. He is a lie. I have found God. The God who just is. People don't like to believe in that God because he is a mystery. I like him more than any god I have ever known.
I am happy now. For the first time in a year, I am happy. And I am listening to the Pogues.

Thought #1: People go through phases. Some good, some bad. If someone is going through a bad phase, it doen't mean they've changed or they aren't who you thought they were. Just remember the good parts of them while they're being weird. It's still inside of them. They just need time to figure things out.
Thought #2: While it might be safer to look down as you walk, don't. There are things all around you that you might never be able to see again. There's beauty in everything.
Thought #3: However, you can miss little things if you don't look down sometimes.
Thought #4: Be straight forward and blunt. Beating around the bush just makes things worse. If you have a problem with someone, confront it.
Thought #5: You cannot always depend on other people to give you worth. You must find worth in yourself. People will fail you constantly. Relationships will end. When everything else is gone, you have to be confident in yourself.
Thought #6: It's good to get out of your comfort zone at least once a day. You can accomplish more than you ever thought you could. You are capable of so much more than you think you are.
Thought #7: Nothing is ideal; ever. You have to deal with what is and get over the fact that it's not what you think it should be.
Thought #8A clear, starry night does wonders.
Thought #9: Don't give up on your passions. They might not be logical, but they're the only thing that really makes life worth living. And dont let anyone make you feel inferior for doing so.
Thought #10: We have made a mess of life. Part of me wishes God would pull another Noah and the ark just so we can start from scratch.

Thought #1: skinhead does not equal racist, nazi, or white supremist
Thought #2: If a girl says another girl is hott or pretty, it doesn't mean she's a lesbian. If anything, it probably means she's comparing herself to said girl and wishes she looked like her.
Thought #3: I'm not a lesbian or bi
Thought #4: "If you're gay, that's okay"
Thought #5: People are fragile. Even the ones who come across as being tough and immune to the crap of life. They are fragile.
Thought #6: I need a nap.
Thought #7: I'm tired of not living to my potential. I think i could be incredibally intelligent if only I would pursue more knowledge and not that which will only get me by.
Thought #8: I still like him and it kills me every day knowing he never wants to be with me again. i try not to dwell on it, but i'm not succeeding very well. It's almost been a year.
Thought #9: I really wish I could write and paint better. I feel like I come across as being very artsy but honestly, I'm not. I just look at things in a weird way. i don't know how to convey that into art, though.
Thought #10: College is a scary place full of self-discovery and change. You will question everything you have ever believed and be expected to be okay with it. But sometimes, you just have to cry.