Me? Anorexic? Why thank you!

I'm a failure. Some might view me as a success, but they are viewing me through rose-colored glasses, where it doesn't matter how fat I am, as long as I'm healthy, I'm successful. I, on the other hand, am looking at myself through reality and I see failure. Someone who once was on the road to beauty and perfection, and gave it up for fear. Fear of death or long-term illness. And what have I gained from "recovering"? Weight. Tell me, who would you rather see:

95 pound me or 2,000 pound me?

I personally would like to see me skinny again, but apparently not bad enough to ignore all the food around me. I'm so frustrated! I poop and menstruate which means I'm eating. Eating means I'm fat. Being fat means I'm a failure. I'm tired of being a failure! I want to lose and lose and lose but I can't fucking stick to it! I was able to stick to it last year and I was almost 90 pounds! Why couldn't I stick it out longer?! Why couldn't I keep going until I was 80 opunds?! I'm 5'2". It's okay if I'm 80 pounds. It's okay! But I'm an idiot and I can't stop eating now. I've tried so many times and I can only go for a few days without being dragged back into the habit of eating what I'm supposed to. There's food EVERYWHERE! I want it to just go away. I want it all to just go away. I'm tired of social events being centered around food. I'm tired of being expected to go eat dinner with people. I'm tired of, when someone says, "Let's go hang out" it's always at a food place. Why can't we hang out and have fun with food NOT being involved?! Why can't I stick to this fucking diet and actually look how I want to look for once?! I'm tired of failing. And even as I write this post, I know I wont do anything about it, because people expect me to eat, and I want to please them. I'm just so fed up with this all right now. I'm sorry I'm not skinny any more. I'm so sorry.

forgive and forget

It's one thing to accept God's forgiveness. It's hard, but at the same time, it's easy. You don't have to jump through any hoops, you just have to be sorry and repent. God has forgiven you.
It's a completely different thing to forgive yourself.
How do I forgive myself for something that will be with me for the rest of my life? Something that will not only effect myself, but effect another person? How do I forgive myself for something that has changed me for the worse and I can never change back? I realize I'll never forget it. It's burned into my mind for the rest of my life, and in a sense, I've accepted that. But at the same time, I haven't accepted that because I can't forgive myself for that very reason. It is always the first thing I think of when I lay down to sleep, and it keeps me up for hours. I have screwed up this time. Really really screwed up. I've been living with this guilt for months now, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I'm so full of self-hate and regret, and rightfully so! But I'm miserable. I can't stand this any longer.

Things aren't always what they seem

My family is poor.
I go to a rich school (purely on scholarships).
People at a rich school expect you to have some sort of money.
I've accepted that fact and even though I still feel weird around certain people or conversations, i'm learning to deal with it and know that they just don't know.
I'm not getting anything for Christmas.
That doesn't bother me at all.
I get to go home, see my family and friends, and I'm so happy about that.
But I know when I come back to school, everyone will ask what I got for Christmas and my birthday.
My answer will be nothing.
I'll get something from my sister, I'll probably get $75 from my grandparents, but that'll be it.
And then they'll give me a look of pity and embarassment but quickly substitute their shock with, "Oh that's cool!" unless they're insanely straightforward and say, "That's all?"
This has happened before in Junior High and HIghschool, and it was kind of embarassing, but I got over it.
But here?
I'm dreading it.
Preacher's kids, doctor's kids, whatever's kids...
they have money.
I guess it's sort of fun to shock them with how poor I am.
Shock-value is always fun.
But I don't really want shock value this year.
I just don't want them to ask.

The Briefs

So I really like the song "Destroy the USA" by the Briefs but sometimes I have a fear that the government is somehow listening to everything we say or do. So if one of these days I've been shot dead by a supposed homeless man as I was sitting in my dorm room, it was really the government because of the threat they felt I posed to their social rule.

I went to my first punk show in INdy last night. It was cool. My friend's band played and they were amazing. There was an ungodly amount of beer there and many old men still wearing leather jackets. I found that entertaining :)

Next week is final's week. I'm not really stressing that much about it. Although because of the show last night, I didn't do any homework at all yesterday and I'm feeling the consequences. And yet I'm still on facebook and blogger. How ironic. I'm also listening to My Chemical Romance. Which I also find kind of odd.... considering I never listen to them. But I have this random song on a CD I made. *shrugs*