Saturday, December 15, 2007
Me? Anorexic? Why thank you!
Posted by baby_unvamp at 12:28 AM 0 comments
Labels: anorexia, eating disorder, fat, food, skinny
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
forgive and forget
It's one thing to accept God's forgiveness. It's hard, but at the same time, it's easy. You don't have to jump through any hoops, you just have to be sorry and repent. God has forgiven you.
It's a completely different thing to forgive yourself.
How do I forgive myself for something that will be with me for the rest of my life? Something that will not only effect myself, but effect another person? How do I forgive myself for something that has changed me for the worse and I can never change back? I realize I'll never forget it. It's burned into my mind for the rest of my life, and in a sense, I've accepted that. But at the same time, I haven't accepted that because I can't forgive myself for that very reason. It is always the first thing I think of when I lay down to sleep, and it keeps me up for hours. I have screwed up this time. Really really screwed up. I've been living with this guilt for months now, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I'm so full of self-hate and regret, and rightfully so! But I'm miserable. I can't stand this any longer.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Things aren't always what they seem
My family is poor.
I go to a rich school (purely on scholarships).
People at a rich school expect you to have some sort of money.
I've accepted that fact and even though I still feel weird around certain people or conversations, i'm learning to deal with it and know that they just don't know.
I'm not getting anything for Christmas.
That doesn't bother me at all.
I get to go home, see my family and friends, and I'm so happy about that.
But I know when I come back to school, everyone will ask what I got for Christmas and my birthday.
My answer will be nothing.
I'll get something from my sister, I'll probably get $75 from my grandparents, but that'll be it.
And then they'll give me a look of pity and embarassment but quickly substitute their shock with, "Oh that's cool!" unless they're insanely straightforward and say, "That's all?"
This has happened before in Junior High and HIghschool, and it was kind of embarassing, but I got over it.
But here?
I'm dreading it.
Preacher's kids, doctor's kids, whatever's kids...
they have money.
I guess it's sort of fun to shock them with how poor I am.
Shock-value is always fun.
But I don't really want shock value this year.
I just don't want them to ask.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
The Briefs
So I really like the song "Destroy the USA" by the Briefs but sometimes I have a fear that the government is somehow listening to everything we say or do. So if one of these days I've been shot dead by a supposed homeless man as I was sitting in my dorm room, it was really the government because of the threat they felt I posed to their social rule.
I went to my first punk show in INdy last night. It was cool. My friend's band played and they were amazing. There was an ungodly amount of beer there and many old men still wearing leather jackets. I found that entertaining :)
Next week is final's week. I'm not really stressing that much about it. Although because of the show last night, I didn't do any homework at all yesterday and I'm feeling the consequences. And yet I'm still on facebook and blogger. How ironic. I'm also listening to My Chemical Romance. Which I also find kind of odd.... considering I never listen to them. But I have this random song on a CD I made. *shrugs*
Posted by baby_unvamp at 12:57 PM 0 comments
Labels: America, band, concert, finals, friends, government, homework, Indianapolis, Indy, my chemical romance, punk, show, the Briefs, USA