Kate Nash understands

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

Down

There are times I feel as though I've thrown my life away. I left the one University that I really felt like I belonged to. Ever since then, I've been wandering around aimlessly. I still think about the friends I left there. The future I left there. I had a future there, and I threw it away for life with my father in our apartment that smells like piss. I'm supposed to be moving to California with my boyfriend in less than a year. No money to my name. No car. And a sense of hopelessness that I can't shake. I used to be driven to write, driven to paint, driven to make a fucking difference in the world. And now, I'm driven to work, driven to school, driven to get as much sleep in as I can. This is exactly the life I knew I should never have. A life of meaninglessness. Without a purpose, I feel hopeless. I feel as though I've thrown my only chance to be who I want to be away when I moved back here to Oklahoma. Maybe that's why I'm so gung-ho about moving to California. It's been my dream to live there my whole life. But I don't want to use it as an escape. I don't want to live my life moving from place to place just so I can escape the dreaded 9-5, routine days life will always become. I'm afraid that money will rule me. A career will rule me. I'll want to buy a nice house in the suburbs and send my kids to band camp. That's not who I ever wanted to be. That's not who I want to be.

Trying to Cope

This is a song one of my friends wrote for me many years ago. I keep a copy of it in my memory box. This is my song.

Trying to Cope - Recycled Souls

Well I'm broken down, it seems I have no voice.
You've given me no choice again
I bury my anguish in my pillow and scream with all my might
Get back in touch tonight.
I stare down at the gleaming piece upon my desk
I feel the glide of the blade, see the blood confess my sin
The only thing I feel is the pain that is there.

Take this all away. I'm running inside with nowhere to hide.
Slam the door, throw myself on the floor and cry out
Take this all away. Take this burden I cannot bear
The only thing I feel is the pain that is there
You've got to take it away.

Well another day comes, and I put on my cosmetic smile
Face the day, coping for a while it seems
What will push me over the edge?
What's sad is that I would rather die than live.
Push back the sleeves to reveal the scars of emptiness I feel
Oh God, can't You hear me? What do I do?
I'm so lost without You.

Tell me You love me, that it will be alright
Please forgive me tonight.
Tell me You're there when no one cares
God, I surrender, I cry out.

post secret

I try to look at postsecret every week. Whenever I see a postsecret I can identify with, I save it into my pictures folder. I thought it would be an interesting post to post the pictures and explain why I love them so much.




If you notice, the object beneath the words is bloody gauze. This, as I understood it, was someone who is a cutter. I am a cutter. When I put the words to the picture, it totally resonated. Just because I fuck up and cut after months of not cutting, doesn't mean it was a waste. It doesn't mean I'm going back to my old ways. It doesn't mean that the relapse ruins everything I've worked for. It just means that I fucked up.

I am on anti-depressants. Ska has always been one of my favorite genres. Sometimes, ska is the only thing that can cheer me up. It's so fucking happy!

I have often thought about writing suicide notes to the most important people in my life. This gave me hope.

Significant others have often been the people to keep me from harming myself.

before I saved this, I hadn't lost my virginity. While I hadn't "fucked", I was still kinda promiscuous. It made me feel better about myself. If guys wanted to see me naked, maybe I wasn't worthless. But.... this person is correct, it doesn't work. I think... haha.

I still relapase into my eating disorder every once in a while. It really is like losing a best friend. someone that's always there for you and helps you through shit. But "ana" is not a friend. She is a version of satan itself... and i'm still learning that.

I've never thought about it before, but when something bad happens and people say "It was God's will" it pisses me off. I don't think it's God's will for anything bad to happen, BUT I believe that God can use certain situations to further his will.

Rant

Haven't written in a while. And this isn't going to have anything of substance. I'm just depressed and angry and I can't talk about it.... but I need it out of me.

My friend.... we are both depressed. We both want to die very often. We understand each other.
We also like each other. If I find out a guy likes me, more lkely than not, I will pull myself away; become distant. Which is what I've done.
Well, as a result, I've become a horrible friend. He's been calling me every day, sometimes more than once a day, and I've stopped answering. I don't lke talking on the phone. I really don't. I'm awkward and I never know what to say. Not to mention, we like each other, and for him to be calling me every day, needless to say I freaked out and that's one of the major reasons I stopped answering. However, I knew that one of the possibilities of him calling so much is because he's having a hard time with life right now.

I'm sorry.... but so am I. And one of my friends just texted me and said that my other friend has been worried about me. Then proceeded to tell me that he's been really depressed and he just needs a friend. And that he's always there for us when we're depressed...

OK OK! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP AS A FRIEND! BUT I'VE BEEN FUCKING DEPRESSED! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE.
but no... rub it in. he needed me. I let him down, right? I know. Believe me, I know.

I've been reading a good book

I've gone through a rough spiritual patch. I suddenly found that the God I was taught about in sunday school wasn't real at all. But that was the god I believed in and devoted my whole life to. So I was scared and depressed. I was terrified. I no longer believed in "god" but I had put my whole identity in that "god". So what was left?After weeks of crying myself to sleep and not even wanting to be alive, I talked with my sister, the only person who was able to empathize with what I was going through and help me make sense of God. I didn't want to stop believing in God. I still believed in God. I just had no idea who he was or what he was like.
And that is when I figured out that I didn't believe in the "god" I had always believed in. but I did believe in God. The true God of the Bible. I'm reluctant to say "Christian" God because I don't think God is a Christian. But the God of Christianity... he/she was real. He/She just wasn't who I was taught he/she was my whole life. And so I've been on journey to make sense of God (as best as that can actually happen). And now I have begun reading this book. It's called "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. I read the back and it sounded interesting, although the way Donald writes, it's hard to get exactly what the book is about. So I thought I'd give it a try. And it's exactly what I've needed.
Here are some exerpts:
This is part of the realization I had when I suddenly noticed that the "god" I was taught of wasn't real:
"If I werent a Christian, and I kept seeing Christian leaders on television more concerned with money, fame, and power than with grace, love, and social justice, I wouldn't want to believe in God at all. I really wouldn't. The whole thing would make me want to walk away from religion altogether because, like I was saying about Santa Claus, their god must be an idiot to see the world in such a one-sided way. The god who cares so much about getting rich must not have treasures stored up in heaven, and the god so concerned about getting even must not have very much patience, and the god who cares so much about the West must really hate the rest of the world, and that doesn't sound like a very good god to me. The televangelist can have him for all I care. you know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god, a god who exists simply to validate their identities. This god falls apart as soon as you touch him, as soon as you start asking very basic questions about the sanctity of all human life, the failure of combat mentality, and the lustful love of power."
And this excerpt is the realization I had when I suddenly noticed that God IS real:
"I began to slowly realize that the God of the Bible, not the God of formulas and bullet points that some have turned the Bible into, but the God of the actual Bible, the old one before we learned to read it like a self-help book, had a great deal to say to me. What I mean by this is the God of the Bible, and for that matter the Bible itself, started making sense of my deepest emotions, quirks, and sense of brokenness. Once I separated the little god from the big God, and the little-god imposters from the true and loving servants of God, I began to pay more attention. This God became very beautiful to me, in fact. The things He said, the people He chose to speak though, and even the way He worded His message became quite meaningful. The God of the Bible, in a very strange way, even explained why I would have wanted to renounce my faith.
"My God, you look so much different.
From mirrors you looked like a fool.
And your skin tastes much better with aging
not sweet like it was back in our Sunday School- Manchester Orchestra

love vs. friendship

I have a best friend. We are friends with benefits. We used to date but that didn't go so well since I lived in Indiana for school and he was still back in Oklahoma. but we stayed friends.... and we stayed attracted to each other.
I'm back in Oklahoma now, and we're still best friends. We're still friends with benefits. I still want to be with him. He still doesn't want to be with me. He's going into the marines in a couple months. He'll be gone for over 3 years. Legitimate reason to not want to date.
We want to have sex. But we both know it'll fuck up our friendship. And we're best friends. We dont' want to throw that away. But we've already made that emotional connection. At least I have. He's a boy. he doesn't care. But I care. I still want to be with him more than anything in the world. And he still doesn't want to be with me at all. And every single time we have that conversation, it breaks my heart all over again.
And so here we are. I'm in love with my best friend who doesn't want to be with me. And all I can think about is how I need my next pack of cigarettes or I'm going to add more scars to my fucking arm.
Never be friends with benefits with someone you really care about. It hasn't ruined our friendship, but it makes it a hell of alot harder than it should be. I refuse to lose him. He means too much to me for that to happen. So I'm willing to go through this shit to keep him as my friend. But seriously, avoid it if at all possible.