post secret

I try to look at postsecret every week. Whenever I see a postsecret I can identify with, I save it into my pictures folder. I thought it would be an interesting post to post the pictures and explain why I love them so much.




If you notice, the object beneath the words is bloody gauze. This, as I understood it, was someone who is a cutter. I am a cutter. When I put the words to the picture, it totally resonated. Just because I fuck up and cut after months of not cutting, doesn't mean it was a waste. It doesn't mean I'm going back to my old ways. It doesn't mean that the relapse ruins everything I've worked for. It just means that I fucked up.

I am on anti-depressants. Ska has always been one of my favorite genres. Sometimes, ska is the only thing that can cheer me up. It's so fucking happy!

I have often thought about writing suicide notes to the most important people in my life. This gave me hope.

Significant others have often been the people to keep me from harming myself.

before I saved this, I hadn't lost my virginity. While I hadn't "fucked", I was still kinda promiscuous. It made me feel better about myself. If guys wanted to see me naked, maybe I wasn't worthless. But.... this person is correct, it doesn't work. I think... haha.

I still relapase into my eating disorder every once in a while. It really is like losing a best friend. someone that's always there for you and helps you through shit. But "ana" is not a friend. She is a version of satan itself... and i'm still learning that.

I've never thought about it before, but when something bad happens and people say "It was God's will" it pisses me off. I don't think it's God's will for anything bad to happen, BUT I believe that God can use certain situations to further his will.

Rant

Haven't written in a while. And this isn't going to have anything of substance. I'm just depressed and angry and I can't talk about it.... but I need it out of me.

My friend.... we are both depressed. We both want to die very often. We understand each other.
We also like each other. If I find out a guy likes me, more lkely than not, I will pull myself away; become distant. Which is what I've done.
Well, as a result, I've become a horrible friend. He's been calling me every day, sometimes more than once a day, and I've stopped answering. I don't lke talking on the phone. I really don't. I'm awkward and I never know what to say. Not to mention, we like each other, and for him to be calling me every day, needless to say I freaked out and that's one of the major reasons I stopped answering. However, I knew that one of the possibilities of him calling so much is because he's having a hard time with life right now.

I'm sorry.... but so am I. And one of my friends just texted me and said that my other friend has been worried about me. Then proceeded to tell me that he's been really depressed and he just needs a friend. And that he's always there for us when we're depressed...

OK OK! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP AS A FRIEND! BUT I'VE BEEN FUCKING DEPRESSED! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE.
but no... rub it in. he needed me. I let him down, right? I know. Believe me, I know.