Love and Punk Rock

Kate Nash understands

2011-02-11T00:49:00.000-08:00

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

Down

2010-11-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

There are times I feel as though I've thrown my life away. I left the one University that I really felt like I belonged to. Ever since then, I've been wandering around aimlessly. I still think about the friends I left there. The future I left there. I had a future there, and I threw it away for life with my father in our apartment that smells like piss. I'm supposed to be moving to California with my boyfriend in less than a year. No money to my name. No car. And a sense of hopelessness that I can't shake. I used to be driven to write, driven to paint, driven to make a fucking difference in the world. And now, I'm driven to work, driven to school, driven to get as much sleep in as I can. This is exactly the life I knew I should never have. A life of meaninglessness. Without a purpose, I feel hopeless. I feel as though I've thrown my only chance to be who I want to be away when I moved back here to Oklahoma. Maybe that's why I'm so gung-ho about moving to California. It's been my dream to live there my whole life. But I don't want to use it as an escape. I don't want to live my life moving from place to place just so I can escape the dreaded 9-5, routine days life will always become. I'm afraid that money will rule me. A career will rule me. I'll want to buy a nice house in the suburbs and send my kids to band camp. That's not who I ever wanted to be. That's not who I want to be.

Trying to Cope

2010-01-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

This is a song one of my friends wrote for me many years ago. I keep a copy of it in my memory box. This is my song.

Trying to Cope - Recycled Souls

Well I'm broken down, it seems I have no voice.
You've given me no choice again
I bury my anguish in my pillow and scream with all my might
Get back in touch tonight.
I stare down at the gleaming piece upon my desk
I feel the glide of the blade, see the blood confess my sin
The only thing I feel is the pain that is there.

Take this all away. I'm running inside with nowhere to hide.
Slam the door, throw myself on the floor and cry out
Take this all away. Take this burden I cannot bear
The only thing I feel is the pain that is there
You've got to take it away.

Well another day comes, and I put on my cosmetic smile
Face the day, coping for a while it seems
What will push me over the edge?
What's sad is that I would rather die than live.
Push back the sleeves to reveal the scars of emptiness I feel
Oh God, can't You hear me? What do I do?
I'm so lost without You.

Tell me You love me, that it will be alright
Please forgive me tonight.
Tell me You're there when no one cares
God, I surrender, I cry out.

post secret

2009-12-15T18:32:00.000-08:00

I try to look at postsecret every week. Whenever I see a postsecret I can identify with, I save it into my pictures folder. I thought it would be an interesting post to post the pictures and explain why I love them so much.

If you notice, the object beneath the words is bloody gauze. This, as I understood it, was someone who is a cutter. I am a cutter. When I put the words to the picture, it totally resonated. Just because I fuck up and cut after months of not cutting, doesn't mean it was a waste. It doesn't mean I'm going back to my old ways. It doesn't mean that the relapse ruins everything I've worked for. It just means that I fucked up.

I am on anti-depressants. Ska has always been one of my favorite genres. Sometimes, ska is the only thing that can cheer me up. It's so fucking happy!

I have often thought about writing suicide notes to the most important people in my life. This gave me hope.

Significant others have often been the people to keep me from harming myself.

before I saved this, I hadn't lost my virginity. While I hadn't "fucked", I was still kinda promiscuous. It made me feel better about myself. If guys wanted to see me naked, maybe I wasn't worthless. But.... this person is correct, it doesn't work. I think... haha.

I still relapase into my eating disorder every once in a while. It really is like losing a best friend. someone that's always there for you and helps you through shit. But "ana" is not a friend. She is a version of satan itself... and i'm still learning that.

I've never thought about it before, but when something bad happens and people say "It was God's will" it pisses me off. I don't think it's God's will for anything bad to happen, BUT I believe that God can use certain situations to further his will.

Rant

2009-12-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

Haven't written in a while. And this isn't going to have anything of substance. I'm just depressed and angry and I can't talk about it.... but I need it out of me.

My friend.... we are both depressed. We both want to die very often. We understand each other.
We also like each other. If I find out a guy likes me, more lkely than not, I will pull myself away; become distant. Which is what I've done.
Well, as a result, I've become a horrible friend. He's been calling me every day, sometimes more than once a day, and I've stopped answering. I don't lke talking on the phone. I really don't. I'm awkward and I never know what to say. Not to mention, we like each other, and for him to be calling me every day, needless to say I freaked out and that's one of the major reasons I stopped answering. However, I knew that one of the possibilities of him calling so much is because he's having a hard time with life right now.

I'm sorry.... but so am I. And one of my friends just texted me and said that my other friend has been worried about me. Then proceeded to tell me that he's been really depressed and he just needs a friend. And that he's always there for us when we're depressed...

OK OK! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP AS A FRIEND! BUT I'VE BEEN FUCKING DEPRESSED! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE.
but no... rub it in. he needed me. I let him down, right? I know. Believe me, I know.

I've been reading a good book

2009-06-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've gone through a rough spiritual patch. I suddenly found that the God I was taught about in sunday school wasn't real at all. But that was the god I believed in and devoted my whole life to. So I was scared and depressed. I was terrified. I no longer believed in "god" but I had put my whole identity in that "god". So what was left?After weeks of crying myself to sleep and not even wanting to be alive, I talked with my sister, the only person who was able to empathize with what I was going through and help me make sense of God. I didn't want to stop believing in God. I still believed in God. I just had no idea who he was or what he was like.
And that is when I figured out that I didn't believe in the "god" I had always believed in. but I did believe in God. The true God of the Bible. I'm reluctant to say "Christian" God because I don't think God is a Christian. But the God of Christianity... he/she was real. He/She just wasn't who I was taught he/she was my whole life. And so I've been on journey to make sense of God (as best as that can actually happen). And now I have begun reading this book. It's called "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. I read the back and it sounded interesting, although the way Donald writes, it's hard to get exactly what the book is about. So I thought I'd give it a try. And it's exactly what I've needed.
Here are some exerpts:
This is part of the realization I had when I suddenly noticed that the "god" I was taught of wasn't real:
"If I werent a Christian, and I kept seeing Christian leaders on television more concerned with money, fame, and power than with grace, love, and social justice, I wouldn't want to believe in God at all. I really wouldn't. The whole thing would make me want to walk away from religion altogether because, like I was saying about Santa Claus, their god must be an idiot to see the world in such a one-sided way. The god who cares so much about getting rich must not have treasures stored up in heaven, and the god so concerned about getting even must not have very much patience, and the god who cares so much about the West must really hate the rest of the world, and that doesn't sound like a very good god to me. The televangelist can have him for all I care. you know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god, a god who exists simply to validate their identities. This god falls apart as soon as you touch him, as soon as you start asking very basic questions about the sanctity of all human life, the failure of combat mentality, and the lustful love of power."
And this excerpt is the realization I had when I suddenly noticed that God IS real:
"I began to slowly realize that the God of the Bible, not the God of formulas and bullet points that some have turned the Bible into, but the God of the actual Bible, the old one before we learned to read it like a self-help book, had a great deal to say to me. What I mean by this is the God of the Bible, and for that matter the Bible itself, started making sense of my deepest emotions, quirks, and sense of brokenness. Once I separated the little god from the big God, and the little-god imposters from the true and loving servants of God, I began to pay more attention. This God became very beautiful to me, in fact. The things He said, the people He chose to speak though, and even the way He worded His message became quite meaningful. The God of the Bible, in a very strange way, even explained why I would have wanted to renounce my faith.
"My God, you look so much different.
From mirrors you looked like a fool.
And your skin tastes much better with aging
not sweet like it was back in our Sunday School- Manchester Orchestra

love vs. friendship

2009-06-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have a best friend. We are friends with benefits. We used to date but that didn't go so well since I lived in Indiana for school and he was still back in Oklahoma. but we stayed friends.... and we stayed attracted to each other.
I'm back in Oklahoma now, and we're still best friends. We're still friends with benefits. I still want to be with him. He still doesn't want to be with me. He's going into the marines in a couple months. He'll be gone for over 3 years. Legitimate reason to not want to date.
We want to have sex. But we both know it'll fuck up our friendship. And we're best friends. We dont' want to throw that away. But we've already made that emotional connection. At least I have. He's a boy. he doesn't care. But I care. I still want to be with him more than anything in the world. And he still doesn't want to be with me at all. And every single time we have that conversation, it breaks my heart all over again.
And so here we are. I'm in love with my best friend who doesn't want to be with me. And all I can think about is how I need my next pack of cigarettes or I'm going to add more scars to my fucking arm.
Never be friends with benefits with someone you really care about. It hasn't ruined our friendship, but it makes it a hell of alot harder than it should be. I refuse to lose him. He means too much to me for that to happen. So I'm willing to go through this shit to keep him as my friend. But seriously, avoid it if at all possible.

God is Love

2009-05-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

Before I came to college, I heard of the belief that some people have in which every religion is the correct religion. When I first heard that, i thought it was insane. But I can easily understand why people would believe it, and I'm having a hard time not believing it myself. Most religions preach love and peace. Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judiasm, Hinduism, etc. When you really look at what each one believes, it revolves around loving your God and loving/taking care of those around you. Muslims even believe that they worship the same god of Christianity. Which, it's hard for me to not believe that, either. Then I think about the statement in 1 John which says, "God is love." It doesn't say, "God has love" or "God loves everyone" but it says, "God IS love". The way I understand that is that God is the epitome of Love. If God = love does love = God? Gandhi wasn't a Christian but he followed God and loved and lived how I believe God wants us to live. So if Gandhi lived out love in a radical way, did he not then, in a sense, live out God? The Christian God? Because, God is love. God isn't a certain kind of love. God IS love. But then I'm reminded of the words of Jesus: "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man comes to the Father except through me." So, in order to meet God, to commune with God, one must believe that Jesus is the Son of God, right? That's how I understand it. And this is where the conflict is born. If God is love and there are many non Christians who live amazingly Christian lives (much more so than most "christians"), are they still not in communion with God? Do you have to believe that Jesus is the Son of God in order to be "saved"? And I'm not talking about just "good" people. I know that there are alot of good people in the world that aren't in communion with God. I'm specifically talking about those of other religions who worship one god, love him, love others unconditionally, believe in forgiveness and reconciliation, and help the needy in the name of Love -- in the name of their god. Is that not my God, too? Is that not God? God is love. I do not understand.

Some good quotes

2009-04-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

"The only people who don't know Christianity is about peace are Christians." - Gandhi

"You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." - C. S. Lewis

"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." - Gandhi

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." - V for Vendetta

"God did not give me my life to throw away; and to do as you wish me would, I begin to think, be almost equivalent to committing suicide." - Jane Eyre

"Use God for a sense of peace and punk rock to know you're not alone." - My friend Peter

"That premium blend coffee is good. It's almost like premium blend pot." - My dad

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

"The church is a whore, but she is my mother." - Jesus for President

Hope

2009-04-15T18:24:00.000-07:00

My life has been based on hope. When I was young, it was hope that God would take care of my family when we had no food. When i was in junior high it was hope that God would get me out of my depression so I wouldn't kill myself. When I was in highschool it was hope that one day I would be completely over my eating disorder and cutting. While I still have hope regarding most things, my hope has been completely lost when it comes to relationships - friendships or romantic. This past year has been a daily hell as I believed every morning when I woke up that it would be another day alone. My parents' marriage is ending. My boyfriends leave me after 2 months. Friends get tired of me or frustrated with me and leave. I've been filled with bitterness and anger towards ex boyfriends, depression towards my parents, and hopelessness. Marriages that are supposed to last, don't. Friends get scared and leave. I felt as if I was never good enough for anyone, and no matter how hard I tried, every relationship will fail, just as I have seen so many marriages that were supposed to be unifying end in brokenness.
Yesterday I went to the Senior art department theses readings. One girl has worked all year on what she has called "Seamless Marriage". It is a series of sculptures depicting relationships from the beginning, when both people are two complete seperate beings, and gradually to their unification, to where the seams cannot even be seen. At first I was angry. It was unrealistic. I felt as though she was looking at relationships through rose colored glasses because she is about to get married. She has high hopes for her marriage. However, I realized that when she was little, her parents got a divorce. She has seen first hand the broken unification of a marriage. And yet she still stands strong that if two people become like the sculptures, fitting themselves to each other and eventually unifying themselves to one another to where you can't tell where one ends and the other begins, the marriage stands. The people are grounded in each other. IT lasts. It reminds me of a MeWithoutYou song that says, "I'll ring Your doorbell until You let me in and I can no longer tell where You end and I begin."
I don't see many relationships that depict this hopeful and successful unity. However, God created us for community. "it is not good for man to be alone". In order for two people to be shaped to each other, alot of molding and scratching at the surface must be done. It's a long process, painful, tiring, and sometimes seems hopeless. But after sometimes many tries, eventually two people will become so unified that they are seamless. Their relationship is grounded in each other, and they are one.
There is hope.

My heart is heavy

2009-04-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

Rant #1:
Life after death. If you're a christian, you believe in Heaven or Hell. If you're an atheist, you believe in total non-existence. I have found that that scares the shit out of people. It's a rather soothing thought to me, though. I remember a couple discussions with my best friend who believes when he dies, he will no longer exist. In my philosophy class, we discussed this concept and I found that the majority of the class (or at least the majority that spoke) couldn't really grasp it, or they didn't want to. Why is this so terrifying, though? What if I will stop existing when I die? I wont have anything to be afraid of. why be afraid of something that wont exist? You wont be there to experience it. You wont be. Therefore, you cannot fear. Is it the fear that you wont be remembered on earth? Is it the fear that you have this one, small chance, then once you're gone, you actually are gone, never to be reincarnated or to look down and see your loved ones? But this is comforting to me. I have this one life, this small vapor of a life, and if when I die, I no longer exist, then I don't really care. I'll do what I can in this life, live the best I can, enjoy the most I can, care for the people that I can, help those I can, and once it's over, it's over. I like that. I like that alot.

Rant #2:
Christianity. Christianity and Homosexuality. I fucking hate how we have fucked up christianity. I've been conversing with a girl from my hometown over her faith. She grew up apostolic, stopped going because she thought the regulations were ridiculous, and was then told she's going to hell. She has also discovered the hypocracy running rampant throughout her generation's Christians. She has been completely turned off to Christianity. That should not be the case! Where is Jesus in this? Where is his gospel of love and acceptance? It is lost and we have made it that way. Smoke, cuss, wear pants, have sex before marriage...you're going to hell. God is disgusted with you. You are no longer accepted in the church. All I have to say to that is, fuck that. I see so many books and shirts and whatever else talking about how Jesus was a radical and he hung out with the sinners. that's a good idea to believe in but when it actually comes to fully believing that and living it out the best you can, most Christians fail horribly. We are too afraid of the freedom that comes from living like Christ. We are too afraid to drink beer with prostitutes. Too afraid of what people will think of us. Too afraid taht God will look on that and be ashamed. I believe God looks on us who go to church and sunday school every sunday and wednesday, wears the best dresses we can afford, wears cheesey christian slogan t-shirts (probably made by slaves in a third world country), and who take random verses from the bible to condemn those who we are afraid of, and he is ashamed. We should be ashamed of ourselves! look what we have done to the love Jesus came and fucking died for! We have turned it into rules and regulations and corporate ideals and use it for our OWN glory! I say, fuck that Christianity. I want nothing to do with it. Give me the John the Baptist, camel wearing, desert living religion. Give me the Jesus Christ, law breaking, church shattering, partying with the worst sinners religion. And I mean that. I'm not saying this to get the attention of a youth group at a conference. I'm saying this as a person pissed with what those conferences did to me and are doing to the people I care about back at home. Jesus' Christianity was dangerous. The Christianity I grew up with is anything but. Something has to change.

As for the homosexuality thing...
Well, pretty much repeat everything I've said up there with a homosexual overtone.

addictions

2009-03-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

These are things I am addicted to:
cutting
smoking
chocolate
spending money
penises
sleep
online games
caffeine - specifically energy drinks and coffee
music

2009-03-05T23:55:00.001-08:00

I'm just so angry. At everything. I can't even begin to write about everything that's going on in my head. I'm just pissed.

Friendship

2009-02-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

Friends leave. You will never be friends with someone for the rest of your life. That's just how it is. Cherish the friends you have, but let go of them when it's time. It sucks. You'll feel lonely and you will mourn their loss. But just as they move on, so must you. Friendships will not last.

New Plan

2009-02-26T14:28:00.001-08:00

I'm getting fat.
I have to start following a new routine.
One meal a day.
Cigarettes in place of the others.
No more desserts.

Insanity

2009-02-21T14:21:00.000-08:00

More and more lately I've been feeling like I'm actually insane. It wouldn't surprise me. My grandma is insane. she's been in a mental hospital. My dad has been in a mental hospital. Almost everyone in my family has some form of depression. And I feel like mine is really relaly bad. Like, worse than it should be. So bad that, sometimes I think I might end up in a hospital, and that scares me.

Depression symptoms: (the bolded are ones I experience)

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
fatigue and decreased energy
feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
irritability, restlessness
loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
overeating or appetite loss
persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Major Depression symptoms: (bolded, again)

Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt almost every day
Impaired concentration, indecisiveness
Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) almost every day
Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in almost all activities nearly every day (called anhedonia, this symptom can be indicated by reports from significant others.)
Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness or being slowed down)
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide (not just fearing death)
Significant weight loss or gain (a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month) ... not anymore, but at one time this was a problem.

Stupid

2009-02-15T14:10:00.001-08:00

Why am i always crazy about the guy who doesn't want me

It's time to move on

2009-02-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

It's time to move on.
It's time to put Josh behind me and not look back.
It's time to accept who I am and stop apologizing for not being who I think I should be.
It's time to quit coping with life in all the wrong ways.
It's time to stop hurting myself any time I feel threatened or depressed.
It's time I start taking care of myself.
It's time I really try to figure out what I'm passionate about and seek after that.
It's time I come to terms with reality.
I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to them.
I cannot control what has happened in my life, but I can no longer dwell on the bad things. I must use them to shape me into a strong woman.
Whether I like it or not, I am an adult. Soon, I will be on my own. I will be making my own life, making my own plans, following my own dreams. I cannot let fear prevent me from reaching my potential.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marriane Williamson

The Cycle

2009-02-08T22:54:00.001-08:00

I cut myself because guys don't want to be with me.
Guys don't want to be with me because I cut myself.
Fuck.

I've been contemplative lately

2009-02-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in a while. My life has been very chaotic, but only emotionally. My parents are getting a divorce, I've started cutting again, and I am a smoker now. I've been searching for God for a year and only now have I found him. Only now have I truly found God, and not the sunday school god I've been told to believe my whole life. He is a lie. I have found God. The God who just is. People don't like to believe in that God because he is a mystery. I like him more than any god I have ever known.
I am happy now. For the first time in a year, I am happy. And I am listening to the Pogues.

Thought #1: People go through phases. Some good, some bad. If someone is going through a bad phase, it doen't mean they've changed or they aren't who you thought they were. Just remember the good parts of them while they're being weird. It's still inside of them. They just need time to figure things out.
Thought #2: While it might be safer to look down as you walk, don't. There are things all around you that you might never be able to see again. There's beauty in everything.
Thought #3: However, you can miss little things if you don't look down sometimes.
Thought #4: Be straight forward and blunt. Beating around the bush just makes things worse. If you have a problem with someone, confront it.
Thought #5: You cannot always depend on other people to give you worth. You must find worth in yourself. People will fail you constantly. Relationships will end. When everything else is gone, you have to be confident in yourself.
Thought #6: It's good to get out of your comfort zone at least once a day. You can accomplish more than you ever thought you could. You are capable of so much more than you think you are.
Thought #7: Nothing is ideal; ever. You have to deal with what is and get over the fact that it's not what you think it should be.
Thought #8A clear, starry night does wonders.
Thought #9: Don't give up on your passions. They might not be logical, but they're the only thing that really makes life worth living. And dont let anyone make you feel inferior for doing so.
Thought #10: We have made a mess of life. Part of me wishes God would pull another Noah and the ark just so we can start from scratch.

Thought #1: skinhead does not equal racist, nazi, or white supremist
Thought #2: If a girl says another girl is hott or pretty, it doesn't mean she's a lesbian. If anything, it probably means she's comparing herself to said girl and wishes she looked like her.
Thought #3: I'm not a lesbian or bi
Thought #4: "If you're gay, that's okay"
Thought #5: People are fragile. Even the ones who come across as being tough and immune to the crap of life. They are fragile.
Thought #6: I need a nap.
Thought #7: I'm tired of not living to my potential. I think i could be incredibally intelligent if only I would pursue more knowledge and not that which will only get me by.
Thought #8: I still like him and it kills me every day knowing he never wants to be with me again. i try not to dwell on it, but i'm not succeeding very well. It's almost been a year.
Thought #9: I really wish I could write and paint better. I feel like I come across as being very artsy but honestly, I'm not. I just look at things in a weird way. i don't know how to convey that into art, though.
Thought #10: College is a scary place full of self-discovery and change. You will question everything you have ever believed and be expected to be okay with it. But sometimes, you just have to cry.

no title

2009-01-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

The more I learn, the more ignorant I become.

Update:
My parents are splitting up as of tomorrow.
I've decided i shouldn't be in a relationship until I've been seeing a counselor for a while. There are alot of things that I need to deal with before I get another person involved in my life.
I'm still not over josh.
I'm still not over steven.
I've been doing alot of stupid crap trying to ignore the shit that's going on. It's really not smart considering I have a very addictive personality.
I cut my hair really short again. A pixie cut with bangs.
I'm moving in with my sister over the summer. I'm really excited about that.
Something's gotta give.

My Mother + Self Image

2008-12-13T21:36:00.001-08:00

I know my mom means well, but alot of the time, she says things that are the exact wrong thing to say.
I have really bad self-image. I've recovered from an eating disorder, but I still struggle with it. I'm not sure if I'll ever look at myself and actually like what I see. in my eyes, I will always be overweight.
My mother grew up being told that she was fat and ugly. I've seen pictures of her when she was my age and she wasn't. she was BEAUTIFUL. But her mother believed she was overweight and was constantly forcing her go to on diets. My mother believed she was ugly and overweight, and because of that mindset, she is now obese.
Over Thanksgiving break, my mom looked at me in the hotel room and said, "Shelli, you look like you've lost weight. Have you?" I hadn't been trying and, if anything, I thought I had gained weight. A few days later, she was talking with me about how she was losing weight currently. She was talking with me about how when she was my age, she believed she was fat, but she was only 120 pounds. She then proceeded to ask me how much I weighed, guessing around 106. I told her i weighed about 118.
I weigh 118. When she was my age, she was 120. She thought she was fat when she weighed 120. That's just 2 pounds heavier than me. Not to mention, she's about 5'4". I'm 5'2". So our proportions were probably about the same. Except she actually had breasts and I barely do. So I'm sure her waist was even smaller than mine is currently.
How was this conversation supposed to make me feel? Regardless of how many times she told me that I looked good and I was at a good weight, all i can think of is that at 120 pounds, my mom thought she was fat and her mom TOLD her she was fat. I am at 118 and even if she thinks I'm at a good weight, what would her mom say about me? Would she call me fat?
I know my mom means well, but I wish she would just drop the subject of weight and appearence completely. Never talk with me about when she was my age or if I'm looking good or whatever. Because no matter what, it ends with me feeling even more insecure.

We Can Do It!

2008-12-10T21:06:00.000-08:00

It really bothers me that there's such a large misconception of what feminism really is. i brought my computer to work today and I have Rosie the Riveter as the background. The guy that I was working with said, "So, are you a sexist?" I replied with, "Uh.. no... I'm a feminist." And he was all, "Oooh, so you're a feminist. What do all the guys you date think about that?" Well... I proceeded to tell him that most of the guys I date are ALSO feminists... which he responded with a laugh. yes, guys can be feminists. And no, being a feminist does not mean you're a sexist. He asked me if I make the guy do everything. What does he think a feminist is? What do most people think a feminist is? i believe in equality between men and women. I don't think women are better or more capable of things than men. I'm not a man hater. Feminsts simply believe in equality between men and women. That's it! It bothers me how so many feminists give the rest of us a bad name. It's exactly the same way with Christianity, though. So many Christians give the rest of us a bad name. It happens with every group. Feminists, Christians, highschool kids, southerners, Americans, etc. So I guess, just as I try to make a good name for Christianity, I need to start trying to make a good name for Feminism.
On sort of the same note...
i asked one of my ex-boyfriends why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He replied that he needs someone that's more laid back and not so needy. That really got me thinking. Whenever I enter into relationships, I am no longer the independent feminist I once was. I become this needy, clingy girlfriend who always has to be with her boyfriend. Something is wrong with that. So I'm trying to change that aspect of who I am. To be extremely cliche... I AM WOMAN.. HEAR ME ROAR! teehee

Yes... Another Boy-Related Post

2008-12-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'm so frustrated! Before I came back to school, I would have adamantly said, "I never want to date Josh again." and I believed it with every fiber in me. And it's not just because I had a boyfriend. Even after Steven and I broke up, I despised Josh and didn't want to be with him. But now that Josh and I are hanging out (or at least friends again) and I joke with him and watch him laugh and.... it's just like.... I don't understand. I don't understand why he doens't want to be with me. And I'm not saying that from a conceited, "I'm awesome. Why doesn't he like me" type mind-set. I'm saying it from the, "We fit so well together last year. We have way too much in common and we have so much fun together. Why does he not want to be with me?" type mind-set.
I can't help but feel like there's something wrong with me; something he doesn't like. Which, I mean, there might be... but I don' tknow. I just STILL don't see why we wont work. I look at us even now, after I've even been with someone else and despised the very air Josh breathed, and I can't help but wonder.... why wouldn't we work?
I still like him. The guy that broke my heart, treated me not so well after the break-up... I still like him. He's not attractive... but I"m attracted to him. (explain that one). I'm just really frustrated. I see no reason why we shouldn't be together, but apparently he sees every reason in the world. It really pisses me off.

Like a bowling ball smashed in your head

2008-11-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be with him. I am not attracted to him. I do not think that he is attractive. there are many things about him that I do not like. I just want to be friends with him. We dated, he broke my heart, I moved on.
So why is it that when I'm around him, all I can think about are things I shouldn't? Every time he makes a joke and gets that look on his face like he did when we dated, I can't help but swoon a little. I have to look away for fear that I'm blushing. I look at his hands and remember certain... things.... that involved his hands. I don't want to remember these things. He is my friend now. Nothing more. He said I'm not right for him and he's probably not right for me. I don't want to be with him.
But I can't help but think about when we were together or what it would be lke if we were together right now.
"loves come and go and this i know i'm not who you recall anymore
but i must confess you're so much more then i remember
can't help but entertain these thoughts
thoughts of us together" - Anberlin
I don't like him. i really think I just want to be with someone. I'm afraid of being alone. I really shouldn't be with anyone right now. But I see him, I see his face, I hear his jokes, I watch his hands, and I want, just for one moment, for things to be the way they used to be.

Don't worry; you can delete this later

2008-11-21T23:07:00.001-08:00

We are living in a world full of digitalized memories and emotions.
If you are dating someone and you have a bunch of pictures on your camera or computer, once you break up and you delete them in a fit of rage, you can NEVER get those pictures back again.
Is anyone else discouraged by this fact?
Even with all of these blogs, people write down their thoughts, their feelings, their life experiences, and in a few years, they will probably forget about that blog. They will move on. They will forget their password. The site will shut down. So many great literary books came from people simply journaling and forming their thoughts into a book. This is a generation of temporary memories.
We used to know that after someone dies, we wil have pictures and letters left to remember them by.
Who will remember this generation once we have deleted who we once were?

friends forever

2008-11-21T12:22:00.000-08:00

Everything is fucked up. I don't know what to do anymore.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

Awkward Turtle

2008-11-17T19:50:00.000-08:00

I believe I am unvoluntarily awkward.
You know those people you meet and there's just something about them that's awkward? Like, you aren't sure what to say or how to respond or even how to move. I feel like sometimes, I'm that person. I definately don't want to be, though. Those people are... well... awkward.
I might or might not be awkward. I'm not sure. I am definately unexplainably shy, which is a pain. Alot of people think I'm stuck up or "holier-than-thou" because I wont talk to them or smile at them...
It's just because I don't think I'm good enough.
I wish people didn't assume the worst. It's usually not true.

With all of that said, I come to the point of this entry...
"insecurity isn't attractive" says my ex-boyfriend. Well, surprise, I'm insecure. Painfully so, actually. Most of the time I try to hide it, but sometimes it leaks out. I grew up with two parents who are even more insecure than I am. Insecurity is a way of life in the Doyle household. I'm not saying this for an excuse. I simply believe that the environment in which you grew up has a great impact on who you become. I grew up around adults who hated themselves and constantly second-guessed everything they did. Therefore, that is the normal way of life for me. But I face this predicament... if I am insecure, and insecurity is unattractive, then my reasoning states that I am unattractive. Now I'm not talking about physical beauty. (which, obviously, since I'm so insecure, I believe I lack), but I am talking about the kind of beauty that attracts a person when they've known you for a while and all of the sudden they say, "Wow."
But I'm stuck...
I want to be secure in who I am, confidant, and able to speak my mind when appropriate (and sometimes when not) BUT... I do not want to be one of those people who are SO confidant that everyone hates and wishes would shut up i.e. cocky.
Bottom line is... I want to be attractive. Every time I enter into a relationship with a guy, I find my self slowly molding to the guy's self. I lose who I really am. I forget what I believe. I can't find the strength to stand up for myself. I lose my attractiveness, and they notice.

So, instead of making a list of all of the characteristics I prefer in a guy, I am going to make a list of all of the characteristics/attributes which I believe I should possess before entering into another relationship:
- security in myself/confidance
-a strong and unbreakable relationship with God
- goals - instead of being, "I'll go wherever you're going" it'll be, "I'm going where God is sending me and if that's where he's sending you also, then awesome. But if not, then goodbye."
- happiness/peace with life
-self control

Those aren't many, but they are things that I am seriously lacking and without those, any relationship I may have will fall.
And so begins my journey to beauty.

*** side note***
A macchiato is not the drink you get from Starbucks. They have manipulated it until it became something more people will buy. Now, everyone thinks that's a macchiato and they are dissapointed when they receive something different from a coffee shop that actually knows what they're doing. A macchiato literally means, "marked with milk." It is two shots of espresso and just a LITTLE bit of steamed milk. It is a very small but very strong drink. It is absolutely nothing like the macchiato from Starbucks.Of course, we make "startbuck" macchiatos in the coffee shop at my college because that's what people know. I feel shame every time I call it out and hand something to people that I know is a lie.

Of Whom I Am the Worst

2008-11-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

I am filled with bitterness and anger. It has controlled my life for months now. I am angry towards Josh, my ex. He broke up with me right before summer break last year. He said we could be friends again this year, so I came to school expecting that would happen. I found out that he was just saying that because it's the proper ex-boyfriend thing to do. He would only talk with me or acknowledge me when he was around people that he knew we had mutually in common. Otherwise, he would pretend I wasn't there. As a result, I treat him as if he doesn't exist. I am so bitter. I want to hurt him. I really do. I want to make him feel as shitty as he has made me feel. I have let him have way too much power over me. Now every time i see him, even just in passing, my stomach ties in knots and I feel anger swell up inside me. Every time. And I'm tired of it. I should be able to forgive him. He hurt me and he has continued to hurt me, but me acting the way I am does nothing but make it worse. I'm just hurting myself even more by doing this.
I just recently dated an atheist. It was great, except for the fact that he made me doubt and second-guess God's existence. Not that that's bad. In order for a person's faith to grow and strengthen, they much doubt. Asking questions and feeling hopeless is necessary to truly finding God. The only problem is... I can't find him.
I used to be so strong; so on fire! I was a leader in my youth group. Everyone in my school knew I was a Christian. I had problems, sure. I started cutting myself and developed an eating disorder. but as for blatantly acting out, doing drugs, going to parties and whatever else highschool kids did, I didn't. When my friends had a problem, they came to me. I was so in tune with God. He was everything to me.
And now?
This intense disbelief in my Creator and the bitterness and anger that has been ruling my life has brought me to this point. I have been dwelling in anger, sin, and hate. I feel so utterly alone and lost; hopeless. I think about the tattoo on my shoulder of "hope" and I wonder what it was like to at least have HOPE that everything will be alright; that God is still with me.
I know God is real. He has to be or nothing makes sense. But I don't know how to find him again. When this all started, I fervently prayed that God would show himself to me. Let me know that he was there, that he was real. Somehow make me know! I prayed that over and over again, tears streaming down my face.
Nothing ever happened....
I haven't prayed since. I guess I have, every once in a while. "I haven't talked to you in a long time but if you're there, I'd still appreciate it if you'd show me." Why wont God, my Creator, my Healer, my Lover.... why wont he reveal himself? I've been praying that prayer for years. So where is he?
I am so lost. I am so full of anger and despair.
Where is God?

I'm Ashamed

2008-11-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

How dare I call myself a Christian?
I am a hypocrite.
I'm not saying this to get the response, "that's why God gives us grace!" or "Don't be so hard on yourself." I am a huge, fucking hypocrite.
If the kids in my youth group back in Oklahoma could see how I'm living, to hear my thoughts, could be with me when I'm alone, there is no doubt they would question my ever being a Christian.
I'm so pissed and fed up with all the proclaimed "Christians" that do this or say that or whatever... and here I am. I am so far down the wrong path and I haven't even cared.
The stuff of the world is fun. Yeah. I said it. I want to keep doing the things that I'm doing because they're fun! It's easier to do *thing* than it is to pick up a Bible and engage in conversation with God. It really is easier and it has a direct result. You feel good in the moment. And lately, that's all I've been focussing on.
What the fuck?! I am ashamed of what I have become.
And even as I write this, I wonder if I'm really going to change.
And I can't help but wonder what kind of example I've been to my Atheist ex-boyfriend/current friend. I have not been a voice of God. I have no been living the kind of life a Christian should live. How has that affected him? Why the FUCK should he turn towards God when he sees that I'm having just as much fun as he is and he isn't tied to ANY sacred being?!
What have I done?

Math Notes

2008-11-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

We are making our children ADD.

My generation grew up on flashing lights and fast talking characters on a colorful box in our living rooms, kitchens, bathrooms and bedrooms. Finished with homework? Watch your favorite TV show. Washed the dishes? Play a video game. Finished playing outside? Watch a movie! If a show is too boring, grab the remote and change the channel. Are there two shows on that you would like to watch at the same time? Change the channel during commercials and watch them both!

What about computers? Internet programs have evolved so that a person can have as many tabs/pages open at the same time as they want. Teenagers can have multiple conversations on their 3 different instant messengers while playing solitaire, checking their e-mail, and catching up with friends on myspace and facebook.

There are so many things to do, so many things to look at, and our technology has become so advanced that it is now possible to do everthing one needs or desires to do at the same time. It's inevitable that my generation and those after us is becoming more and more ADD. If the TV isn't on, it's too quiet. We can't just sit on a couch or on our porch for more than 30 minutes without becoming bored. This epidemic, this need/desire to always be doing something, always be entertained, has spread to every aspect of our lives. We can't stay focussed in a one hour class because we start thinking about anything and everything other than the class we are in. We have problems going to sleep because our brains have learned to never stop, never rest. In a sense, our minds have become Americanized: always on the go; always consuming (although, not consuming the healthy, worth-while things such as knowledge but rather mindless rubbish which keep us entertained).

Isn't it ironic that I wrote this during my math class?

New Hair

2008-11-02T10:21:00.001-08:00

Here is the bleach before the actual dying of the hair

Here is the hair dyed!

Yay! Happy hair-dyed-me!!!

On Friendship

2008-10-31T09:51:00.001-07:00

"Our love was goodand our love was right.And I don't regret it,no not a single night.So goodbye, my love.Goodbye, my love.Goodbye." - Bradley HathawayYes, Steven and I broke up. Yes, I'm really sad about it. Yes, one of my best friends in the whole world came from this relationship. This is the best breakup I have ever been a part of. Richard pretty much hates(d) me and Josh and I only talk when necessary. When Steven said he wanted to stay friends, I loved the idea, but from past experiences, I didn't believe anything was going to happen.He is my best friend now.I don't regret dating him at all. I'm so glad we dated, actually. If we hadn't dated, I wouldn't have gotten so close to him and therefore, I would have missed out on one of my best friendships that I have currently. I still like him. He still likes me. But it wouldn't work and there's no point in continuing a relationship that's going to end soon. So we're taking another path. I gave this advice to another one of my friends. Being a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't a better role or a more important title than being a best friend. If someone breaks up with you because they just want to be friends or they don't want to ruin your friendship (and they actually mean this. They aren't just saying it to soften the blow) then it's not that they are going back a step in your relationship. Yuo can still both go forward, but it's just a different path. Being a girlfriend is not more important than being a best friend. They both carry the same amount of weight, it's just different reasons, different feelings. Think of it as a fork in the road. You guys meet on this road, you like each other, and you're walking together, getting to know each other, and something starts. You're really enjoying it. There's nothing TOO serious yet. Then you reach the fork. One road is friendship, one road is romance. If you go down the romantic road and you reach the destination, it wil lprobably end in marriage. (well, not end, per se. But one of the major landmarks is marriage). However, if it doesn't work, you've already made your way down this path. If you're to stay friends after the break up, you have to find your way back to the friendship path, and that means going through alot of the memories y ou left on the romance road. It's hard. It's possible, but it's hard, and not many people make it. However, if you chose the friendship path, you're still moving forward. You're still on the road together; it's just made up of different things, different landmarks, different memories. You're going forward at the same pace. It's the same distance as the romantic road, and you're still growing together. It's just a different path with a different destination.Steven and I chose the friendship path, and I'm really excited to see where it leads us. "Our love was goodand our love was right.And I don't regret it,no, not a single night."

I don't like fruit

2008-10-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

We all know that one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control.
I seem to lack in that department.
Like, seriously. That's why I still cut myself after 5 years. That's why I've gone further than I wanted to with all of my boyfriends. That's why I have to have friends forcefully keep me from buying anything at the store because if I have money, I HAVE to buy something.
So I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. I'm lacking the self-control to not beg to be taken back.
I do still want to be with him. I wanted to be with him even when I broke up with him. I just felt like this was the best choice. But I was laying on my futon and began thinking about how we talked about last week how we're both so excited to see each other over break. And I keep thinking about the days we spent together in Texas when we finally told each other how we felt. I still want to be with him. He can break up with me again in August when he leaves for California, but for now, I just want to be with him, enjoy him, look forward to seeing him.
So I keep debating on whether or not to actually say, "I still want to be with you if you'll take me back. I made a mistake." or if I should just keep it going how it's going and stay friends.
He really is an awesome friend.
I want to be with him again.

***EDIT***
On a side note...
Oklahoma is really popular. Or, at least it's known for alot of things. I didn't know other states talked about us this much. Currently in my sociology class, we discussed the OKC bomber, Timothy McVey (I don't know how to spell his name so I used phonics :) ) and in my religion class, we're talking about ORU in Tulsa.
As crappy as Oklahoma is, I have a strange sense of pride for the dysfunctionality that infests my state.

Here We Go Again

2008-10-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

I have just broken up with my boyfriend.
It's not like we were planning on getting married. We've just been dating for 3 months (it would have been 3 months Nov. 1st). But it's still very difficult. I'm not going to go into a rant about our relationship or how I'm heartbroken. I did enough of that with my last boyfriend. I think... even though I've been crying and I am indeed heartbroken, everything is okay. I don't feel like my life is over. I don't feel like I'm going to puke. I just feel like I dated a guy on which I've had a crush on since my freshman year of highschool, we really like each other, but we just don't match. We tried it... and it didn't work. And i'm okay with that for some reason. he's a cool guy. I'm really glad we dated and I really want to stay friends. I hope he'll still come over to my house when I'm home over break and watch movies and stuff.
This is the weirdest break up ever.
I just hope he feels the same way.

What has become of me?

2008-10-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I stand for. I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's sacred, what's profane, what's up and what's down. I'm just living every day and praying that I'm doing SOMETHING right.
I am Shelli. I have everything together. I have never questioned my faith for longer than one day. I have the answers to everything biblical and I would never sacrifice my morals for anything earthly.
What are my morals.
What is right and what is wrong and how do I know the difference?
I am Shelli. I am a Bible and Religion major. I read my bible daily, pray 5 times a day, and I always remember every prayer request I say I will pray for. I have overcome every addiction I have come across and I have no interest in anything that will cause me to stray from my walk with God.
Is it possible that God is walking but I'm sitting under a tree? I can hear him now... "Shelli. What are you doing? We're supposed to go for a walk." and I reply "but I know what's going on when I sit under this tree. Go on. I'm sure you'll have fun without me."
And I am listening to Regina Spektor sing over and over again, "Marianne's a bitch."
Who is Marianne and what did she do to deserve this title?
I might know if I listened to the whole song.
Bradley Hathaway has put it the best:
"What's happening here?I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost deadShow me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the fatherBut where did he go? His presence seems farther and farther away each day but I'm trying so hard to steer his wayYet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay"
I am Shelli. I know exactly what's going on and I'm not scared at all.

Shelli: the future mother

2008-10-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

One of these days i will be a mother.
Whoah.
For some reason, I've been thinking about it more and more lately. I think about the kind of mother I want to be, what my children will be like, how I will support them and discipline them. I can only hope and pray that I'm a decent mother. That my children wont grow up resenting me or saying, "if only my mom hadn't/had done this..."
One thing I know for sure is that I want my children to have the opportunity to seek after knowledge. I want to have a room full of books which they could read at their leisure. Anything from Plato to C.S. Lewis to even some crappy fiction books if they wish. (Which, I hope they wont wish, but it's their choice, I suppose). I want them to use words that make their classmates retreat in a corner. Who needs violence when you have a vocabulary larger than a doctoral student?
I want them to have the options of the arts, as well. The arts as in studio art, music, dancing, whatever tickles their fancy. If they want to spend all day indoors with nothing but paper and crayons, who am I to stop them? Actually, that might make me the happiest mother alive. I want them to be subjected to all kinds of music. Not just MY kind of music. I want them to hear all forms. I want them to realize that music can come in all different sorts of ways. I want them to listen to Miles Davis, Chopin, the Who, the Beatles, Hootie and the Blowfish, and even the music I grew up listening to like the supertones, Flatfoot 56, Sleeping Giant. I want them to learn to love everything from classical to classic rock to post-hardcore. I want them to have the opportunity to play any instrument they could dream of. The piano, cello, trumpet, drums, electic guitar, stand up bass, anything and everything. And if they want to be in a punk rock band and they choose my garage to practice in, I'll supply the midnight snacks.
I think about these things and I can't help but become extremely excited. However, I must admit, i am reluctant to say that I would be smiling if my daughter wanted to become a cheerleader or if my son wanted to play football (unless it's european football ;) ). What if they wanted to enter the world in which I had no part of and never wanted a part of? Of course I would let them and I would support them. I would go to games and competitions and I would be the proudest mother there. I want to be the kind of mother that is exceedingly happy for their child no matter what happens. If their child is gay, I will welcome their partner with open arms. If my child is president of the science club, I will not help them with any of their homework (for fear of screwing up whatever it is that they were working on) but I will support their endeavors and brag about them to all my friends. If my child is a lazy bum that wont do any of their work and doesn't graduate on time, I'll do anything in my power to encourage them and let them know that it doesn't matter what they do, I will love them no less.
Most of all, i want my children to have a relationship with God. It's difficult to know how to raise a godly child. I grew up in a christian home, went to christian elementary school, grew up in the church. From the time I was a small 5 year old, believed in God. Like, honestly believed in God. I had such a heart for His word and I would preach to my stuffed animals. However, so many of my friends that I went to elementary school with grew up and completely turned away from God. They got pregnant, got into drugs, dropped out of school altogether. So how do I know when I'm choking my children with religion or if I'm being too lenient? I don't know if I'll ever know. I don't think there's an answer to that. I think it really depends on the child. If they're the type that needs to figure things out on their own, then I will give them room to do that. If they're the type that is hungry for knowledge and respects their old lady's opinion, i will share my testimony, share my heart for God. Either way, I will pray that God will use it to His glory and a seed will be planted and grow in His timing.

Me? Anorexic? Why thank you!

2007-12-15T00:28:00.000-08:00

I'm a failure. Some might view me as a success, but they are viewing me through rose-colored glasses, where it doesn't matter how fat I am, as long as I'm healthy, I'm successful. I, on the other hand, am looking at myself through reality and I see failure. Someone who once was on the road to beauty and perfection, and gave it up for fear. Fear of death or long-term illness. And what have I gained from "recovering"? Weight. Tell me, who would you rather see:

95 pound me or 2,000 pound me?

I personally would like to see me skinny again, but apparently not bad enough to ignore all the food around me. I'm so frustrated! I poop and menstruate which means I'm eating. Eating means I'm fat. Being fat means I'm a failure. I'm tired of being a failure! I want to lose and lose and lose but I can't fucking stick to it! I was able to stick to it last year and I was almost 90 pounds! Why couldn't I stick it out longer?! Why couldn't I keep going until I was 80 opunds?! I'm 5'2". It's okay if I'm 80 pounds. It's okay! But I'm an idiot and I can't stop eating now. I've tried so many times and I can only go for a few days without being dragged back into the habit of eating what I'm supposed to. There's food EVERYWHERE! I want it to just go away. I want it all to just go away. I'm tired of social events being centered around food. I'm tired of being expected to go eat dinner with people. I'm tired of, when someone says, "Let's go hang out" it's always at a food place. Why can't we hang out and have fun with food NOT being involved?! Why can't I stick to this fucking diet and actually look how I want to look for once?! I'm tired of failing. And even as I write this post, I know I wont do anything about it, because people expect me to eat, and I want to please them. I'm just so fed up with this all right now. I'm sorry I'm not skinny any more. I'm so sorry.

forgive and forget

2007-12-12T19:23:00.001-08:00

It's one thing to accept God's forgiveness. It's hard, but at the same time, it's easy. You don't have to jump through any hoops, you just have to be sorry and repent. God has forgiven you.
It's a completely different thing to forgive yourself.
How do I forgive myself for something that will be with me for the rest of my life? Something that will not only effect myself, but effect another person? How do I forgive myself for something that has changed me for the worse and I can never change back? I realize I'll never forget it. It's burned into my mind for the rest of my life, and in a sense, I've accepted that. But at the same time, I haven't accepted that because I can't forgive myself for that very reason. It is always the first thing I think of when I lay down to sleep, and it keeps me up for hours. I have screwed up this time. Really really screwed up. I've been living with this guilt for months now, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I'm so full of self-hate and regret, and rightfully so! But I'm miserable. I can't stand this any longer.

Things aren't always what they seem

2007-12-10T18:43:00.000-08:00

My family is poor.
I go to a rich school (purely on scholarships).
People at a rich school expect you to have some sort of money.
I've accepted that fact and even though I still feel weird around certain people or conversations, i'm learning to deal with it and know that they just don't know.
I'm not getting anything for Christmas.
That doesn't bother me at all.
I get to go home, see my family and friends, and I'm so happy about that.
But I know when I come back to school, everyone will ask what I got for Christmas and my birthday.
My answer will be nothing.
I'll get something from my sister, I'll probably get $75 from my grandparents, but that'll be it.
And then they'll give me a look of pity and embarassment but quickly substitute their shock with, "Oh that's cool!" unless they're insanely straightforward and say, "That's all?"
This has happened before in Junior High and HIghschool, and it was kind of embarassing, but I got over it.
But here?
I'm dreading it.
Preacher's kids, doctor's kids, whatever's kids...
they have money.
I guess it's sort of fun to shock them with how poor I am.
Shock-value is always fun.
But I don't really want shock value this year.
I just don't want them to ask.

The Briefs

2007-12-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

So I really like the song "Destroy the USA" by the Briefs but sometimes I have a fear that the government is somehow listening to everything we say or do. So if one of these days I've been shot dead by a supposed homeless man as I was sitting in my dorm room, it was really the government because of the threat they felt I posed to their social rule.

I went to my first punk show in INdy last night. It was cool. My friend's band played and they were amazing. There was an ungodly amount of beer there and many old men still wearing leather jackets. I found that entertaining :)

Next week is final's week. I'm not really stressing that much about it. Although because of the show last night, I didn't do any homework at all yesterday and I'm feeling the consequences. And yet I'm still on facebook and blogger. How ironic. I'm also listening to My Chemical Romance. Which I also find kind of odd.... considering I never listen to them. But I have this random song on a CD I made. *shrugs*